What’s My Role in Addiction? Families Dealing with the Cycle of Addiction

Confronting Your Role: Have I become an Enabler?

No matter how frustrated you might have become by your loved one’s addiction, it is important to understand how you may be unknowingly participating in the addiction cycle.  Trying to help an addict is a difficult and often impossible task. While most family and friends truly mean well, they sometimes end up falling in the trap of becoming an enabler. If you are covering up, excusing or overly trying to fix the addict in your life, there is a good chance you fall in this category. Enablers have good intentions, but as the addiction cycle progresses, they become as much a part of the problem as the addiction itself. Here are some key ingredients of understanding if you are showing the signs of enablement: 

Help! What should I do now?

If you recognize any of these behaviors, you need to get to help. The key lesson is for you to learn to establish boundaries. You must be willing to allow the addict in your life to feel the consequences of his or her behavior so he or she may be driven to want help. It is important that you understand that addiction is a manifestation of deeper emotional and spiritual problems. The addict needs to address the underlying roots that have lead up to this behavior. To simply tell an addict to “stop” won’t work. Instead, you must hold the addict accountable for his or her responsibilities, obligations and roles. It is true that the addict is not able to function, but this very behavior must be confronted as unacceptable. Facing consequences for behavior is the key for each and every person in addictive behavior.  It is in these consequences that the pain and loss may become so great, the addict will finally seek help. How do you do this? You must decide beforehand what you will NOT allow, and propose a consequence if your loved one chooses to disrespect this. When that boundary is broken, you must be willing to allow the addict to feel and bear the burden of responsibility for his or her action. This may mean losing a job, losing money, losing a place to live or having to face jail time. This is not meant to be easy, that is why it is called “tough love.” Remember, this battle is for life and death.

Is that Really Love?

God’s love is unique, and provides guidelines in all our relationships. The thing we must realize about God’s love is that it operates in TRUTH and HOLINESS. God does not allow us to continue in our sin and bad choices without feeling the consequences. He lets us hurt, ONLY so that we will run to Him and allow Him alone to fix what is not working. We need to understand that when we allow a person to continue in his or her destructive behavior without allowing consequences, we are hurting him or her deeply. In fact, this is not love at all, but a term that we refer to as codependence. But just as God gives consequences for bad behavior, He does so for the motive of grace and forgiveness. He doesn’t WANT an addict to continue down a path of destruction. He hopes that eventually when the pain is so severe, He’ll be able to snatch an addict from Satan’s grip. We must link boundaries and allowing painful consequences with the true purpose: to give the addict the opportunity to experience God’s grace and mercy. Ultimately, God separates our behaviors from who we really are. God doesn’t always approve of what we do, but He ALWAYS approves our core being because we are stamped, sealed and claimed as His very own child!  Remember, you never have to like or approve a behavior, but you can love a person no matter what.

A Time to Surrender

Addiction is a horrible stronghold. In full swing, an addict no longer is making a rationale choice, but is in complete bondage. By understanding this, you can stop trying to control, fix and change that person. You need to give that person over to God to allow His power to work in that person alone. It is amazing that when we make this transaction, we will experience a tremendous sense of freedom and peace, understanding God is bigger than addiction (and our own efforts!).   

Practical Applications: