Difficult Emotions: What To Do When It Hurts
by Stephanie Tucker, MDAAC, M.Min, CCS
Emotions are sometimes the most difficult thing in our life to understand and adequately address. We can be locked into emotions that are damaging and devastating every aspect of our life. Modern psychiatry is based on the belief that negative emotions can be overcome through some form of medication to stabilize the brain chemicals. This is essentially concluding that emotions are merely a by-product of our brain function. This has led to an overwhelming proportion of the population seeking a solution to emotional pain through a prescription drug. That’s not to say that chemical imbalances can’t be real, in fact, they often play a valid role in some issues. But often, our emotional pain has a root reason, and when we deal with that root, we can alleviate the painful emotion.
We can also attempt to self-medicate emotional pain in various ways. We can opt to use a chemical substance, or participate in other behavioral addictions such as codependence, people pleasing, gambling, sex, workaholism, etc. This essential tries to “undo” the pain by numbing it or finding some other form of pleasure to eliminate it. But this never brings any lasting change, and only causes a new set of problems – both emotional pain and addiction.So what really can we do with our emotional challenges?
Are Emotions Wrong?
Since we are created in the image of God, we should understand that emotions are simply part of what makes us a human being. In other words, God gave us emotions so we could feel, be passionate, and experience the fullness of life. (Phil. 4:4; Mt. 10:28; Eph. 4:26; Rom. 12:15; Ps. 37:4). God also exhibited emotions. (Ps. 33:5; 95:10; Isa. 49:15-16; 61:8; Zeph. 3:17). If God Himself has emotions, clearly they cannot always be wrong in and of themselves. However, just like anything, our emotions can get twisted and skewed. When we are living apart from God, there are many negative consequences. Galatians 5:19-21 describes this: “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,orgies, and the like.” Obviously, some emotions were never intended by God.How then do we distinguish when an emotion is normal and healthy, and when it’s crossed the line into a sinful, dysfunctional reaction? Let’s first try to understand in more detail the purpose behind emotions.
The Manifestation of Emotions
Emotions are like the engine light of a vehicle. When emotions go off, we must understand that something is happening “in our engine” and the emotion is a warning sign. If we learn of sad news, the normal reaction should be sadness and grief. If we feel conviction that we’ve done something wrong, we need to get right with God. This means emotions aren’t the issue, they are merely an EXPRESSION of the issue. Imagine life if we didn’t feel? Imagine if we didn’t have the capacity to respond and experience life with emotions? Life would be dull and shallow at best, to the point of being totally meaningless. If we didn’t feel we’d be no different than a computer or a robot. On the other hand, we can be completely imprisoned by our emotions. When we’ve lost control of our emotions, we no longer understand or can identify the issues that drive them, and have chosen to allow them to reign and rule our life.
Most negative emotions come from faulty beliefs and faulty thinking. When we believe something that is rooted in our flesh, satan or the system of the world, (our three enemies) it has the potential to directly influence our thinking. When we think something faulty, it can taint our feelings. Our feelings are irrational, and we can behave in accordance to what we feel. Eventually, we can have an automatic way we behave, respond, act out or live in a given situation. The bible refers to this as a stronghold. We no longer can control our feelings or even our behaviors. We’ll address this in more detail later
Let’s look at some example of how normal emotions can become sinful reactions that lead to emotional bondage:
A mom and wife takes care of the needs of her family and alcoholic husband, and is offered little support in return. She appears willing and strong, but deep down feels angry, violated and lonely. She continually strives to get validation and engages in codependent behaviors. The harder she tries, the more angry and discouraged she becomes.
A young man is betrayed by his girlfriend. After investing time, money and emotions into the relationship, he is devastated. He feels hurt, rejected and used. He sets out to make sure everyone knows the truth about her. In his quest to deal with his rejection, he becomes overcome by anger and bitterness.
A woman needs her job to support her family. Her boss is hostile and mean, making it very difficult. She feels anxious and stressed all the time, worrying about her future and the needs in her life. She rarely enjoys her personal life as a result.In all these examples, emotions are normal initial reactions to the situation.
To tell any of these people “you shouldn’t feel bad” would be wrong. Or to tell them to “just cheer up” would not solve their problem. These feelings are real. However, it’s what they do in the initial state of experiencing emotions that will determine the long-term outcome.
So what could they have done to avoid the pitfall of allowing emotions to get out of control? Is there any way to step out of the emotion in the “heat of the moment?”
Here are some practical suggestions.
1. Remember that emotions are indicators not facts.
Emotions reflect what is happening in our heart. They should not be ignored, nor should they be taken as factual truth. If we begin to understand that they are essentially a “response”, not the actual problem, it helps us to put things in the proper perspective. If we are grieving the loss of a loved one, those feelings of pain and sadness are a by-product. It is normal and healthy to experience grief. People that try to repress and deny emotions wind up with larger scale problems. However, in this example, as we go through grief and learn to accept and move on beyond that loss, we have the chance to continue to live life in a healthy way. On the other hand, if we continually focus on the loss of that loved one and never try to move past it, we become imprisoned by sadness, grief and despair to the point of which it paralyzes us. This disrupts our ability to ever live a life of joy and peace, or to be able to experience all of God’s blessings in our life. This emotion is no longer healthy, it is a form of bondage.
#2. Identify belief system that drove the emotion.
When emotions become intense, we need to step back and identify the origin of the circumstance, thought, idea or belief. We usually cannot “stop” feeling. In the example above, if we’ve lost someone we loved, it’s a reality that cannot be changed. But over time, the feelings of despair may be directed by false messages such as “I can’t live without that person, life isn’t worth it”. Those are the beliefs that need to be understood and recognized, because under those beliefs is a lie. In reality, we did experience loss. It does hurt. But we can and will survive and heal.
#3. Identify When we Transfer Responsibility.
We must realize that another person isn’t responsible for how we feel. Emotions are influenced by our OWN thoughts and beliefs. If someone tells us we are stupid, we can internally deflect that and say “no, I’m not stupid, I’m actually quite intelligent”. As long as we are humble about it, we’ve just refused to allow those words to penetrate. We may still feel a bit hurt, but we know that the comment was false. On the other hand, we could choose to believe we actually are stupid. If we receive that as truth, we make it a part of our internal self talk. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, rejection and anger – thus the makings of emotional turmoil.
#4. Recognize Satan’s Part.
We can’t discount the element of spiritual attack in our emotional challenges. Satan can’t make us “feel” anything, but he knows how vulnerable we are. He works overtime to tempt us to think false things about ourselves and others, knowing if we “take the bait” we will eventually wind up in bondage to our emotions and sinful reactions. That’s why understanding spiritual warfare, spelled out in Ephesians 6 :10-20 is so vitally important.
#5. Claim God’s promises to defeat negative emotions.
Wherever we feel a negative emotion, we can find a solution to that emotion in the Word of God. Claiming a promise against the emotion doesn’t change the circumstance. We need to address that situation for what it is. But claiming a promise against the emotion means that instead of dwelling on the pain that provoked the emotion, we are going to dwell on God’s glorious supplies to meet our need, whatever it might be.
Philippians 4:4-9 explains what happens when this occurs:
Always be joyful in the Lord! I’ll say it again: Be joyful! Let everyone know how considerate you are. The Lord is near. Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
You might be thinking, “well that sounds great, but what about my marriage, my daughter, my job, etc? Am I just suppose to claim this promise and then everything will be okay?” It goes much deeper. When we choose to bring our emotions before the throne of grace, and we choose to claim a promise in our circumstance, we have a new perspective. Not only that, it is a submission of our life to God – we essentially tell Him, “it doesn’t matter what’s going on, Lord, I’m going to trust what YOU say is true”. When we live this way, we are filled with the Spirit – and the by-product it produces in our life includes ” love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” – Galatians 5:22.
Can you see the radical difference in outcomes? Now, what about that circumstance we face? As we trust in God, and experience His love, He gives us wisdom to deal with our problems or to understand the direct nature of our circumstance or need. At times, we may need to learn to set boundaries in a relationship. At other times, we need to let a relationship go in our life. If we lost a family member, we cling to the promise of eternal life and the fact we will be united again with them in heaven. We may need to change jobs, but we begin to trust that God is in control and will supply the job we need. Or, He has the capability to complete turn that job situation around.
See, it’s not that we ignore or neglect the circumstances or needs, but rather, that we approach it in a biblical fashion, which in turn gives access to God’s very own power.If you are going through painful emotions, remember to allow yourself to be human. But also, don’t allow yourself to fall in the pit of emotional despair – it will destroy you. God never intended that our life be pain-free. But He promised we could always experience Him in the midst of our challenges. And in our experience with Him, He would provide the peace, comfort, joy and love that we need more than anything else. Where are you today? Are you able to trust God? He loves you. He bought you with a price, and He is deeply involved with that situation that is burdening you right now.
Reach out and grab a promise. Claim it in the name of Jesus, and watch Him transform your situation by transforming your heart.
Stephanie Tucker is the director of the Codependence Treatment and Family Treatment programs at New Life Spirit Recovery.