As we prepare to take a deeper look at the 12 steps, the most important thing to remember is that Jesus loves each of us regardless of where we came from or what we’ve done. He understands exactly what happened, where things went wrong and wants to help us become healthy, productive members of His body. He wants us to come to Him for help just as we are. When we submit to Him, He changes us little by little from the inside out, one day at a time. What we get out of recovery will directly reflect what we put into it. Yes, it does require effort on our part.
Remember, it is God’s desire that we spend eternity with Him. If you are reading this, you can be confidently assured that He is calling you (tugging at your heart) and wants you. Do you know that not everyone will make it to heaven? Do you realize that you have been given the opportunity of a lifetime? The Bible says that narrow is the road to heaven, and here we are traveling it. This is truly a gift. As people caught up in bondage to addictive behaviors, our only hope for freedom is in Jesus. We must grab on to Him for dear life, and never let go. If and when we ask for help, we can rest assured that He will be right there at our side ready and willing to help every step of the way. His transforming power will not only set us free and keep us free, but will also change us into exactly who He created us to be. It is impossible for us to change on our own and God knows this, but He can and will change us if we allow Him to have His way with us. Jesus makes it clear that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. “All things” include staying clean and sober.
Do you have intentional sinful behavior in your life? Things you are doing you know are wrong, yet choosing to do anyway while trying to convince your self and others that your behavior is “not that bad” and that God “understands”? Yes, God does understand and will forgive you if and when you confess and repent, but there are always consequences for unrighteous acts. The Bible says that sin leads to death and eventually it will, and the path it takes you down can be long and painful.
Understanding Steps One, Two and Three
The purpose of this lesson is to introduce the first three steps of the 12-step program, giving you a comprehensive biblical perspective of just what these steps are about. In essence, steps one through three take us from a state of powerlessness, helplessness and hopelessness to a state of having all power, help and hope in Christ! The first 3 steps must be fully and successfully accomplished in order for the remaining steps to properly work.
Let’s take some time to review these steps:
Step One – “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Step Two – “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Step Three – “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
When I teach Step One as the most significant step, I’m often questioned why. My answer is fairly simple; a life changing third step cannot possibly be achieved without a proper first step. I believe the first step is not a time we choose but rather a divine appointment, a place we arrive at in life. Right around this time, the addict begins to see what everyone else was seeing all along. It is what is known as coming out of denial. The second part of the first step “that our lives had become unmanageable” is the much needed evidence used to properly accomplish the step’s overall objective “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.” We must be able to see it and believe it before we can honestly do something about it. A person is unable to successfully move beyond this point until this first truth becomes part of his reality. No one seeks a solution for a problem they don’t believe exists and God is the only one able to open blind eyes and deaf ears. Furthermore, just as it is written, NO one knows the Father but the Son and those the Son chooses to reveal Him to. The whole recovery process hinges upon this and only begins in God’s perfect timing.
A thorough Step One properly prepares for the placement of TheFoundation needed for a successful program to be built upon. It removes self from the throne in preparation for the True Rock to be set in place. As one successfully transitions through the first three steps, what transpires is a sincere belief that;
(1) he cannot possibly experience victory on his own
Step One – “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
(2 Corinthians 1:9) We had great burdens there that werebeyondourownstrength. We even gave up hope of living. 9Truly, in our own hearts we believed we would die. But this happened so we would not trust in ourselves but in God, who raises people from the dead.”
(Proverbs 28:26) Trusting oneself is foolish, but those who walk in [God’s] wisdom are safe.
(2) there is One that can and will help if He is asked
Step Two – “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
(1 Cor. 1:24,25) – But Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God to those people God has called—Jews and Greeks. 25Even the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
(1 Timothy 2:5-6) – For there is only one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and people. He is the man Christ Jesus. 6He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. This is the message that God gave to the world at the proper time.
(Romans 12:2) – And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
(3) victory is found only in God’s gift of salvation by receiving Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior
Step Three – “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
o(Acts 1:8) – But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
o(Romans 8:13-14) – Ifyou use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, youwill die spiritually. ButifyouusetheSpirit’shelp to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, youwill have true life. 14The true children of God are those who letGod’sSpiritleadthem.
o(Proverbs 3:5-6) – Trust in the LORD with all your heart; donotdependonyourownunderstanding. Seek His will in all you do, and Hewilldirectyourpaths.
o(Philippians 4:13) – I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.
A successful third step depends on the God-given free will choice that is made. Without Jesus one can at most remain abstinent. With Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, true recovery begins. It is His transformation process that becomes our progress towards His perfection.
Many that were misinformed wonder why the program is not working for them. Accepting God’s gift of salvation is an important choice that He always welcomes with open arms. This is just the beginning of a new life. The first problem surfaces when His Lordship is conveniently left out. Confession, profession, salvation and forgiveness are appealing ideals that are usually grasped, but two other very important ingredients, repentance and His Lordship are often overlooked. It is not uncommon for someone to want to be saved and forgiven, but not be the slightest bit interested in giving up the control they think they have and/or unwilling to repent of their ways. We eventually learn that half measures avail us nothing.
We have a God of reconciliation that created each one of us specifically for His pleasure. Yes, He loves us that much and only wants the best for His precious children. He paid a high price to bring us out of captivity, snatching us back from the prince of this world like a father retrieving his children from a kidnapper.
Have you already surrendered your life to Jesus Christ? If you have not, there is not a better day then today to do that. Steps One through Three can happen right now, if you allow God access.
Receive Jesus into your heart – ask for the gift of salvation, and make Him the Lord of your life!
Dr. Robert Tucker is the Director of New Life Spirit Recovery. He also trains and equips men and women to become certified drug and alcohol counselors for the state of California, utilizing biblical principles.
Please look for our next publication as we begin to study steps 4, 5 &6.
Salvation is a free gift from God to us that is secure in Christ for eternity. However, experiencing freedom, peace, and joy in fullness while living in this sick and dying world requires some level of effort on our part. Accepting Christ as Lord and Savior alone will not keep you from drinking or using. This is the beginning of the process. Removing all forms of bondage, including addiction occurs as we surrender to God on a daily basis allowing Him to guide and direct our path. He provided for us, His Spirit and a book of instruction, His living word that offers all the answers to all the situations we face. He also gave us the necessary power (His power) in Christ to carry them out. The twelve steps (from a Biblical perspective) offer a simplified biblical formula for life-long change. When properly applied, these steps give us the ability to move from mere abstinence towards genuine transformation and deliverance. When achieved, the very things we’ve been searching for all of our life will be found; true freedom, inner peace and joy. The God hole we all have right out of the womb can now be properly filled with Him, by Him and for Him.
What are the 12 Steps and how do they fit with the Bible?
The 12 Steps, when properly understood, are a framework (a formula) that point to verses of scripture specifically chosen for the addicted one. These biblical principles with Christ at the center have the ability to walk men and women out of bondage, clean them up, teach them how to live and equip them to effectively help others find freedom. A physically sick person would go to a doctor and get a medicinal prescription, and if taken as directed, would hopefully recover. The addicted one in most cases, has damage in all three areas (body, soul, and spirit) and is in need of healing in each area. The twelve steps are a “spiritual prescription for scripture” simplified for the afflicted one. The problems buried deep within the soul and spirit are spiritual and thus require a spiritual solution. The only One that can expose and dispose (surgically remove the damage) is the Spiritual Surgeon, Jesus.
Steps 1 through 3 have the ability to take a person from a state of selfish self-centeredness, powerless, helpless, and hopeless, to a Christ-centered life, hopeful and all-powerful in Christ Jesus. At step three, the all-powerful Helper comes to live within. “Made a decision” has a deeper meaning to it. To
Steps 4 through 9 house cleaning steps, a time to utilize the Helper (the Holy Spirit living within) in the cleansing process of inner self. First, immoral behavior (sin) is dealt with, then the sinful nature (the defective character living within) that leads us to sin, and finally we face those that we have harmed with our sinful destructive behaviors. Admitting our wrongs, repenting of that behavior, forgiving one’s self, forgiving others, and receiving God’s forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of others is the key to freedom. What a freeing experience it is to clean up the wreckage of our sinful destructive behaviors.
Step 10 is the maintenance step, teaching us to evaluate our daily behavior, while encouraging us to clean up potential problems before they become problems. Diligently revisiting this step keeps us from building a new inventory of lingering unresolved immoral issues.
Step 11 encourages continual spiritual growth, continuously improving our personal relationship with God. It is His desire to have an ongoingpersonal relationship with each of us, and healthy relationships require good communication. We communicate with Him through prayer and meditation. In prayer, we speak to Him, and through meditation, He speaks to us. Some of our biggest lessons come directly from Him through prayer and meditation.
Step 12 is about trying to help those still suffering in bondage to their addiction. We become living, breathing testimonies of God’s transforming power. Carrying the message of freedom, Biblically speaking, is known as the great commission. Those that have experienced this new found freedom can’t help but want to share it with others.
Why are these Steps so important? The renewing of the mind requires a RE-PROGRAMMING. We must begin to take a serious look at the quality of data we allow to flow into our minds. There is a strong possibility that what we allow in will eventually become a part of who we are. If we feed poison into our physical body, eventually we will get sick, and with larger amounts, we may die. The same goes for the soul and spirit. Men and women can easily find themselves spiritually or emotionally sick from the poison they allow to enter their mind. When we became Christians, our sins were washed away, but our predisposition to think and behave in certain ways (developed as we adjusted to life over the years) remains programmed in our mind. In fact, you can become a born-again believer and continue to live on the basis of the lifestyle you developed while living independently of God. That is why Paul insists that we be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). The twelve steps are a road-map of this process.
How does change occur?
The transformation process is something God does for us (in us) as we spend time with Him. We will eventually begin to realize that spending time with Him is our part in the transformation process. Salvation is a free gift, but transformation on the other hand requires effort on our part. We grow at a speed we set by the amount of time and effort we put into it. As we spend time with Him, reading His Word and in fellowship with Him and His family of believers, He begins to change us (transform us) into His likeness. The 12 steps help keep us on this journey as we learn to face ourselves and God honestly, fully surrendering to Him allowing Him to deal with the sin issues in our life. The more time we spend with Him along this journey, the more (spiritual and emotional) growth we will experience. Day by day, moment by moment, we become more like Jesus.
What it’s all about
We must always remember how precious we are to God. He loved us first before we even knew Him or knew of Him. While we were still sinning against Him, He came to save us from the punishment (sin’s condemnation) we so rightfully deserve. He came so that we might have fellowship with Him. His perfect plan, simply put, was to bring us back to Him, (reconciliation), giving us an opportunity to be with Him for eternity. He did this by sacrificing His only Son, Jesus Christ. Even though we are saved by grace, through faith from sin’s condemnation, we are told to live a certain way. We must live in obedience to God just as He has commanded us to.
Remember, as you embark on the twelve-step journey, the process is entirely rooted and grounded in your relationship with Jesus Christ. Yet it allows us an opportunity to apply biblical principles in fellowship with other people going through the same thing. How about you? Has your 12-step journey begun? Try it and experience the many blessings God has for His obedient children!
The “freedom from prison” the Bible talks about doesn’t necessarily mean a literal “Department of Corrections” type prison with block walls, bars and barbed wire fences. Although God can, and does at times, set prisoners free from behind those walls, in churches and programs, it is not uncommon to see Him set people free from the things that sent them to prison in the first place. I’m talking about the prison we find ourselves in within ourselves. Our flesh, holding our minds captive to sin, is a battle that constantly rages within the mind for control of the body. If Satan can gain control of the mind, he will be the one that controls the body (your actions). He can, and certainly will, but only if we let him. We do have a say in the matter! For this specific reason, we are told to “hold our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.” Even those that have already found freedom in Christ can easily find themselves back in bondage to their sinful desires if they do not heed to God’s warnings and utilize the power He bestowed upon us as believers. He came to Set the Captives Free
Ever wonder why, even though you promised yourself or others that you wouldn’t do something, you ended up doing it anyway? Were you lying when you said it? I wasn’t! I really meant it, but I just couldn’t stop myself when I was confronted with temptation. I tried, and I tried, over and over, and kept failing to do what was right. It is helpful to have some understanding as to why we struggle with control over our actions. Each time our flesh gets its way, if it is sinful and ungodly, our soul (mind) and spirit suffers the consequences right along with it.
Our body is a vessel originally designed to carry (transport) our soul (life within) and spirit. It is also a vessel that other spirits can use and/or abuse if we allow, but only if we allow it. As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit residing within, but our flesh can still be outwardly influenced, consciously and unconsciously by other spirits. Regardless to whether these other spirits are in us or just tagging along attempting to influence our thoughts, they can easily lead us astray if we are not aware of their schemes. We must armor-up in order to survive and learn when to stand firm, resist or flee. This is an area we all must pay serious attention to because our will decides who rides along with us. That’s right, we are the one who makes the ultimate choice. With this in mind, it is helpful to have a clear understanding of what we are dealing with and why we do the things we do even when we really don’t want to. He came to Set the Captives Free
Paul Gives Some Insight: He Came to Set the Captives Free
Romans 7:14-25 says: “The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. 19 When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” He came to Set the Captives Free
As Christians, we have The Helper living within that helps us clean up our lives. With Christ, we have the ability to understand what is going on inside us and can do something about it. Scripture helps us to identify our problems and gives us all the answers necessary to find true freedom from the bondage our defects (our sinful nature) have kept us in. God’s truth, His living Word sheds light on those areas of darkness. His Word, the Bible, is a perfect mirror that reflects our imperfections. We look into perfection and see just how imperfect we really are. The deciding factor to true healing lies here – are we willing to take some action or are we going to just turn and walk away? In program, we often hear the words, “more will be revealed.” God’s Word, in combination with convictions from the Holy Spirit, exposes what needs to be changed in us. Then, if we’re willing, His transforming power helps us make these changes. God is the one that exposes the lies, discloses His truth, and surgical removes the defects buried deep with-in. He also heals the wounds they caused. He is the great I Am! He is everything and all we’ll ever need. Our part in the deliverance process is to come to Him with honesty, open-mindedness, and a willingness to do whatever is asked of us. These three ingredients are key factors in a successful recovery. They equal surrender of self and a willingness to follow direction. The only reason we’re able to stay clean today is because, at some point in our past, we had a desire, and out of that desire, a willingness grew. Out of this willingness, we find the ability to truly surrender and God appears. There is an old saying; “when the student is ready, the Teacher appears”. He was always there, we just couldn’t see Him because we were in the way. He knows we need Him and He anxiously awaits our invite.
God comments about those who think they can do it without Him
Psalms 2:3-6
“Let us break their chains,” they cry, “and free ourselves from this slavery.” But the one who rules in heaven laughs. The LORD scoffs at them. Then in anger he rebukes them, terrifying them with his fierce fury.
For the LORD declares, “I have placed my chosen king on the throne in Jerusalem, my holy city.”
Jesus was sent for this very purpose! To deny Him is as though we are saying His suffering was done in vain. Do you believe that what He says can apply to your life and your circumstances? If not, what’s holding you back from trusting Him? Turn to Him today. He loves you and your freedom is His goal!
Dr. Robert Tucker is the Director of New Life Spirit Recovery. He also trains and equips men and women to become certified drug and alcohol counselors for the state of California, utilizing biblical principles.
Our clinical directors are well known published authors whose materials are used throughout the country and even the world. New Life Spirit Recoverywas established in 2004 and has been recognized by many credible ministries such a Focus on the Family and Calvary Chapel.
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If you are like many, you may feel confused by the term codependency. I know I certainly was at one point in my life. When I was confronted with my codependent behaviors, I reasoned it was simply a part of my personality. When I became a Christian, however, I was forced to face that my relational skills were unhealthy. As much as I desired to change, I found myself “stuck” in old mentalities and a way of functioning that crippled me from growing spiritually or emotionally. Eventually, through a variety of circumstances that took the very things and people out of my life I depended on, my eyes were opened. I understood that above all, God wanted a full surrender. When this happened, He taught me how I needed to let go of people and let Him alone change them and me. He taught me this change happens only through Him, and striving and efforts to change myself or others will always fail. He taught me to focus less on helping others to satisfy my own needs, and focus more on being like Jesus so He could help others through me (the people HE chose me to help!). What a journey it has been.
Today, God has called me to teach and counsel in the area of codependency . I am amazed by how many people are completely paralyzed by its effects. These are often “good people” who sit in church pews every Sunday, and people who would never appear to have any problems in the world. One of the biggest problems with codependency is that it disguises and hides itself very well. That is the reason for this article, to begin to face and understand the nature of codependency.
How about you? Do you understand codependency? Let’s start by taking a look at some of the common symptoms. Check to see if these apply in your life.
Codependency Checklist
Feeling personally responsible for the way others feel and act
Needing to be loved by another person in order to feel validated and significant
Believing with enough effort, love can be earned
Losing own interests and identity in close relationships. Defining sense of self through another person, with no separation of emotions, feelings and attitudes (happy if they are happy, sad if they are sad)
Changing self (becoming a chameleon) to fit in with peers, friends, and family members, even if it means compromising moral and spiritual convictions.
Compelling fear of being alone or abandoned; or, isolating from close relationships to avoid rejection altogether
Overly caring for other people to the neglect of own needs.
Tolerating mistreatment or abuse from people while excusing their behavior (he didn’t mean it, he’s just having a bad day)
Avoiding conflict with other people to the point of being unable to speak true feelings or directly ask for legitimate needs.
Covering up for irresponsible people in life by lying or “filling in the gaps” to “help” them.
Doing for others what they should be doing for themselves, while neglecting own responsibilities or needs in the process
Telling frequent “white lies” out of fear that truth might not be accepted or will lead to some sort of rejection. These “white lies” can come in the form of exaggeration and covering up things that aren’t necessarily wrong in order to feel accepted.
Becoming an enabler by protecting a person from emotional pain or consequences of their unhealthy behaviors, such as using drugs and alcohol.
Directly or indirectly attempt to fix, manage or control another person’s problems, even if it was meant in a loving way.
Living in constant crisis. Feeling empty, bored or unimportant when not helping someone or responding to a crisis situation
Trying to please people by going out of the way to be helpful, thoughtful or caring, and then becoming angry or discouraged when they don’t respond a certain way
Migrating towards people who need help, yet having a difficult time receiving help from others.
Having a difficult time saying “no”, even when it causes compromise
Worrying about other people’s feelings so much that their problems affect own feelings significantly.
Feeling responsible for others emotional, spiritual and physical needs; feeling the need to “save and rescue” people from bad feelings even when the situation may be very unhealthy and dangerous.
If you can identify with two or more of these, there is a good chance you have codependent tendencies.
So What Exactly is Codependency?
The term codependency was originally created to describe the significant other of an alcoholic/addict. This is because it became evident that just as the alcoholic had addictive symptoms and behaviors, their family member/partner also shared behaviors that were addictive in nature (the codependent is addicted to the alcoholic/addict). However, codependency is much broader then simply being involved with a substance abuser. In fact, that is a symptom, not the actual problem at all.
There are many definitions and understandings of codependency, but I define it as a series of adaptive relationship skills used to function in relationships that are unhealthy and lack genuine love, relationships that do not have God at the center. Codependency reflects an inner brokenness and a foundation that is people-based rather that God-based. This foundation drives a codependent to find someone or something outside of themselves to meet their deepest emotional and spiritual needs. It puts people in the place of God.
Codependent behaviors are usually formed as coping mechanisms in a dysfunctional family system (a family operating outside of God’s plan). In this environment, the codependent is usually the “good one” trying to make up for what is lacking. The codependent appears caring, concerned, loving, responsible and will continually attempt to solve the problems of the family. The codependent role in the family unit/relationship is to care for the needs of others, but in the process will neglect self. A codependent appears very healthy, strong and without need of assistance to the outside observer. Their problems, which in actuality are quite extensive, appear to extend to other people in their life that struggles with addiction, violence, mental illness, etc.
Let me use “Mary” as an example. Mary was not in an addictive relationship, so it was difficult for her to come to a place where she even saw she had anything wrong with her. In fact, she wasn’t even getting counseling for herself! She was looking for a solution to everyone else! When I first met with her, she had whirlwind of activity in her life. She spent a significant amount of time describing the people in her life with problems and what she felt those people needed to do. She talked about her endless attempts and efforts to make these people change. She felt discouraged and hopeless that her attempts hadn’t gotten the results she wanted. By now, she had become downright angry and bitter. She was blaming how she felt on the unhealthy people in her life. When asked if she thought those people changing would affect her, she immediately said “yes”. She felt that if they changed, it would actually solve all her problems. It is her belief system that the people in her life shaped and defined who she was as a person.
Mary had a hard time talking about herself, and continually fixated on the people in her life she was struggling with. If she did talk about herself, it was awkward for her. Deep down, she felt victimized that she has been required to do so much in her relationships, yet her efforts weren’t reciprocated. She felt she had no choice but to compensate for people in her life who were irresponsible or unavailable. She felt she was by design made to help people. She felt she was strong. Yet at the core, a gnawing, nagging loneliness existed that she couldn’t quite describe. In all her busyness, her life was empty.
What is going on here? Mary is a typical codependent. She is consumed in the problems and needs of others around her. She directly links herself to them, and believes her entire sense of worth, value and purpose rests in what they do or say. She is detached and disconnected with herself. She doesn’t know who she is, so she obsessively focuses on the others in her life
This is a truly tragic place for a person to be, yet it can happen so easily before even recognizing there is an even larger problem. At first, anyone with Mary’s tendencies will insist on continually focusing on those “other people”. They will insist that their only real problems are other people’s problems. But deep down, there is much more going on. A person with these behaviors is yearning for love and acceptance, and has developed a belief system that doing for others will be rewarded with a sense of validation and usefulness.
To take a person from this place of codependency through the journey of healing requires some important ingredients. In other articles, we will discuss more specifically some of the attributes of codependency and the significance of the recovery process. But for now, I’d like to introduce a preview of the solution.
Recovering from Codependency:
My personal experience with recovery was not found in a 12-step meeting, it was entirely through an encounter with the Lord Jesus Christ. However, I believe these types of groups are healthy and essential for recovery. The 12 steps are a practical, yet biblical formula for genuine change. Yet the major roadblock that prevents a codependent person from healing is when a person or group of people is placed before God. Sometimes, a time of aloneness in recovery may be necessary in order for God to get our attention and learn how to place Him first. That is in no way meant to discourage from reaching out to others. Isolation is also a dangerous place to be unless God orchestrates it to teach you the lesson of depending on Him alone. There is a healthy need for other people. God’s long-term plans are always for us to be in relationships.
With that being said, let’s take a look at some of the key aspects of genuine recovery in codependency:
Coming out of denial: A person with codependent behavior needs to confront reality and admit there is a problem. (Step 1 of the 12 step program) Often, codependents are covered in thick layers of denial that prevents them from seeing what is really happening. After all, they appear to the healthy one in relationships, it’s everyone else that is sick, right? Wrong!!! Codependency behavior is very sick – it can drive us to insanity literally. Admitting that we have a problem is absolutely necessary in order for true change to occur.
Surrender of Self and Others to God: We need a power Higher than ourselves to be restored to sanity (Step 2 of the 12 step program). This Higher Power is our Creator, Maker and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Without Him in the process, we could never find true Solution or wholeness. In fact, it is Him MISSING that has set the wheels in motion for our dysfunctional behaviors. So when we invite into our lives AND surrender our will to His (Step 3), we are guaranteed to be on the road to healing. How exactly do you surrender? Simply pray and ask for the ability to do so. God will move heaven and earth to answer that prayer, but be prepared for serious changes as a result.
Cease Control: We must acknowledge that we are unable to see ourselves when we are fixated on others. We must detach and learn to let go. We have had people on the throne in place of God. We must stop allowing others to influence and affect the way we think, feel and act. These other people may not have even asked for that, but in an effort to please them, we allow it to happen. Furthermore, we must stop believing we have the ability to change others with enough efforts, we do not. We must cease control and give it over to God.
Face Self: Codependents are normally very detached from who they really are and the inner pain that is driving them. They have been so busy “doing”, they lost their true identity along the way. There are a series of deeply rooted issues and sin that takes a person to this place. All these issues must be addressed. (Steps 4-7). It is important to rid toxic thoughts and beliefs. In the healing process, we learn to forgive people who have violated us, but we also learn that we do not need to accept wrongful behaviors. We learn to establish healthy boundaries. We learn to receive forgiveness from God. We learn to forgive ourselves. (Steps 8-9)
God doesn’t call us to walk the journey alone. If we allow Him, He will hold our hand, guide us and show us the areas in our life that need correction. This can be a painful process. But most importantly, He will give us unconditional love, acceptance and peace as we go through recovery.
Align our Identity and Value with Jesus Christ: As we experience more of Jesus, we will begin to learn how to see how valuable, precious and loved we are. This is how healthy self esteem is established. We will see ourselves as God sees us. People will be small, and God will be big! We will begin to understand God’s perspective of us matters far more than anything or anyone else. When we experience the love of Jesus, it will change our outlook on everything. We will understand that mere humans could never, ever have the power to change us, and therefore, we will also understand that we could never have the power to change them! We will further understand that human love could never replace the love of God. (Step 11)
Restore Relationships Properly – In codependency, we have been consumed in helping and fixing others. It may seem that many of those acts of kindness were Christian-like, but usually the motivation behind them was wrong. In fact, many times codependents are enablers and encourage and reward negative behavior. It’s one thing to do things for others to gain a sense of validation and approval, or simply to feel better about ourself. It’s something altogether different to help others through the power of Jesus Christ for no other benefit then to be obedient to Him. Genuine love is something we need to get from God in order to give to others.
We must remember that it is not our efforts, but our dependence on Christ Jesus, that gives us the ability to truly help others (Step 12). God is not requiring we give up relationships, in fact He wants our close relationships restored (if they are proper). He is simply requiring that we no longer place people in front of Him. Once that is done, relationships stand a chance of getting on the right track. Remember, however, it is not up to us to change others. You can be a living testimony, but your efforts to make someone change will always fail. Learn to pray for them instead, because God DOES have the power to bring change into their lives.
Establish Healthy Boundaries – As we learn to be more healthy, we must protect ourselves from allowing unhealthy people and beliefs in our life. We must stand against abusive or negative behavior while loving the people in our life. Boundaries give us the ability to let in or keep out these negative behavior. Having the courage to make a stand in this area can be difficult. Finding a sponsor or mentor is an important step to maintain healthy boundaries.
As we take gradual steps towards walking with God, over time, our entire belief system about love and relationships will change. We will learn to let people go. We will learn that we do not control the world, but God does. We will not feel overly responsible for others.
But above all, the only way to truly understand and heal from codependency is to know and encounter the love of God. It is literally an antidote for all the insanity behind codependency. When we reach our hands out for the Lord and ask Him to be put first, in the very place He was designed to hold, an entirely new world is awaiting us. We learn to see ourselves as He sees us, love ourselves as He loves us, and receive all that He has for us to give away to others.
Have you received Him? If so, make today a new beginning.
Stephanie Tucker is the codependency and family counselor at New Life Spirit Recovery
So exactly what makes the Christian approach to recovery any different?
A Biblical Perspective by Dr. Robert T. Tucker
In a world full of so called solutions, the Christian needs to clearly understand recovery from a Biblical perspective and what the healing process entails. Recovery doesn’t just happen and recovery from a deeper Biblical perspective is not common even in programs that claim to be Christian or incorporate a Christian track. There are key ingredients that must be in the equation for true change to happen. The Christian approach delivers something no other can. True inner peace and joy only comes from the Prince of Peace. There is just as big of a difference between happiness and true peace and joy, as there is between the secular world view and the Christian world view. They are literally worlds apart. The secular view at its best can only deliver happiness, an outward experience. On the other hand, Jesus delivers true inner peace and joy. Happiness comes and goes as we acquire and lose the things of this world, but peace and joy is something God fills us with and nothing in this world can take it away.
Understanding the makeup of a true Christian Counselor from a Biblical perspective:
Before one can properly fill this position, some very important truths must become their reality. A Christian counselor must understand that he is nothing more than a chosen vessel. His objective is to die to self, letting the True Counselor Jesus, deliver His solution through him. Too often people are labeled by their behaviors. The counselor must be able to clearly separate people from their behavior, loving them, not their sin. Love is the Christian counselor’s biggest asset.
There are many belief systems and approaches being utilized in the recovery arena. I will briefly explain three different combinations of counselor and their approach to give you a better idea of what is available. First, we have the secular counselor utilizing secular theories and practices such as Gestalt Therapy by Carl Fritz, Psychoanalytic Therapy by Sigmund Freud and Person-centered Therapy by Carl Rogers. Most, if not all secular approaches do not include God in the process. Second, we have the Christian counselor that counsels utilizing the same theories and practices the secular counselor uses. Be aware, a person labeling self a Christian counselor may mean just that; a Christian that is a counselor working in the recovery arena. Third, we have the Christian counselor who knows the True Counselor Jesus and allows Him to work through him. This counselor counsels using life changing principles from a Biblical perspective that is only found in the Living Word of God and a relationship with Jesus. The Holy Spirit is the Real Counselor! A Christian in bondage to addictive behaviors needs True Solution. There is no way around it; spiritual problems require a spiritual solution. The Spiritual Solution is Jesus!
The world says the Christian counselor, when operating outside the church, must obtain certain certificates and degrees in order to offer God’s solution to hurting people. In most situations, the Biblical solution to addiction, in and of itself, is only allowed to be utilized within the confinements of the church. Unfortunately, this type of counseling is not recognized by some of the most significant players in the recovery arena such as Judges and the court system as a whole. The Christian counselor called to serve in this arena must acquire whatever is necessary to properly fit the position. As he steps outside the church to deliver God’s true solution, he must operate as a professional while never discounting truth.
Understanding the Counselee – the make-up of man from a Biblical perspective
By design, God perfectly created man a three part being consisting of a physical body, a soul and a spirit. All three areas are significantly important in all aspects of life. When all three are cleansed, healthy and functioning in sync, man can experience life in fullness the way God planned it to be.
Physical body – The physically body consisting of flesh and bone, houses man’s life (his soul and spirit) and is the vehicle at which life travels in this world. The body is life’s means of transportation, and when damaged, hinders man’s ability to move around according to design. When the body dies, although man’s presence in this world ceases to exist, his soul (his life) continues to live elsewhere in either one of two places for eternity. This should be the counselor’s primary concern. Without salvation, eternity in hell is definite, and any level of true change while here on earth is not possible.
Soul – The soul was perfectly designed by the Source of Perfection to last forever. The soul is literally life within the physical body consisting of the mind, a free will and emotions. It is here that reside man’s beliefs, memories, thoughts, and feelings. God has given man a free will to choose what he will accept as his beliefs. He literally has the ability to choose what he accepts as his truth, but his truth is not God’s truth, and will be the pivot point of the direction his life will take.
Spirit – At creation, God’s perfect design for man included spirit life and God said it was good. That changed in the garden when sin entered the picture. Both Adam and Eve died spiritually and began to die physically. Man’s soul is eternal and although the eternal part did not change, the soul itself became dysfunctional. What also changed was where man may spend eternity. This changed again when Jesus was crucified and now man has options. The beautiful thing incorporated into God’s plan is; man actually gets to choose his destiny. His decision is made in the area of his soul, his God given free will to choose. If he chooses salvation through Jesus, he is given spirit life and when his time here on earth comes to an end; his spirit will carry his soul to be with God for eternity. If he refuses the gift of salvation or chooses not to respond, by default, he will spend eternity in hell. Spirit life has many other benefits in the here and now. Our spirit communicates with God’s Spirit and God ministers to our spirit through His Spirit. His Spirit becomes our Counselor, Teacher, Comforter, Protector, Guide, Director and anything and everything we will ever need. With Him, we are never alone! This Biblical perspective is His truth!
Understanding the Problem:
The real battle a person faces on a daily basis is one that rages for the control of the mind. The one that gains control of the mind gets to control the body as well. Scripture has specifically warns us about this and we are told to “hold our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.” All of our thoughts must be filtered through His truth before we can safely act upon them. If they are not good and right, they are not of God and there is a good chance they were fired straight out of the pits of hell.
Coming from a Biblical perspective, man has three enemies in this world that have him surrounded and one happens to be the flesh he lives in.
The body – The Bible tells us the flesh is evil, born into sin, easily deceived and sins naturally. Its evil desires need to be denied which can only be effectively accomplished through spiritual maturity and the power of Jesus.
Satan – We have invisible foes, Satan and his army of fallen angels. Tempting and accusing is among their many deceptive schemes. We have been warned by God that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy lives. Just a Biblical perspective
The world – The world is literally still under the control of the prince of darkness. Satan uses his influence to produce many lures, distractions and temptations.
The makeup of man consists of three parts and all three parts (body, soul and spirit) are subject to the effects of the presence of evil. To ignore the spiritual aspect when addressing man’s problems would be like ignoring germs while trying to cure a germ induced illness. Most behaviors, if not all are spirit influenced at some level and to some degree. Both avoidance that it exists (denial) and ignorance gives the enemy the upper hand in a battle we are in whether we like it or not. It is known fact that no one seeks a solution for a problem they don’t believe exists. Biblical perspective
When dealing with behaviors, it is important to understand the difference between cause and effect. Most of what we see in ourselves and others fall in the category of effect. When clearly understood, the difference between the two becomes good news to those struggling in destructive lifestyles. Typically, they are living in the effects of someone or something else. By no means are we looking to blame or excuse behavior. We are in search of the root cause of the destructive behavior. There are understandable reasons why people act the way they do and there is an absolute solution that leads to true change. He is Jesus! He is without limit, all knowing, all powerful and everywhere standing ready to assist anyone that asks. God has said in His word that His people perish because of their ignorance.
Too often people are labeled by their behaviors. Who they are and what they do is not one in the same. People are not their behaviors and we must be able to separate the two (within ourselves and others) in order to love one another the way God wants us to. A Christian’s identity should be found only in Christ. We do not have bad people; we have people with bad behavior. This is good news, because behaviors can change. Identify the cause, expose the lie and we are a step closer to change. There are understandable reasons why people feel the way they feel and act the way they do. Spiritual affliction and emotional damage play a big part in it.
Emotional Wounds – Believing lies sickens the soul. One example would be a child that repeatedly hears; “you will never amount to anything.” If that child believes those words, they will eventually affect the way he thinks about self, feels about self and behaves. At some point, this defective thinking will affect the way he sees others as well, feels about them and treats them. There is a very good chance he will not amount too much just as he was told unless someone reveals the truth to him; that God loves him, that he is precious in God’s eyes and that he can do all things with the help of Jesus.
Believing lies sickens the soul. Another example would be a daughter of a divorced mother waking up and seeing a different man in her mommy’s bed each weekend. This child will eventually accept her mom’s behavior as normal. If she believes what she sees as acceptable and right, it will affect the way she thinks about herself, feels about herself and treats herself. It will also play a major role in how she allows herself to be treated by others. A couple of messages that can easily be received from this experience are; marriage is not a sacred lifetime commitment; and it is OK for her to have sex outside of marriage with anyone she chooses. This child’s beliefs will need correction at some point (the strongholds will need to be broken) or there is a strong chance she will manifest this same or similar behavior in her own life.
The effects of un-dealt with emotional damage can manifest in a variety of ways. We cannot change the effects without properly processing the cause (the reason why). It would be inappropriate for a Christian counselor to tell a counselee, as the solution, that he or she should not be feeling or acting a certain way. There are reasons why people feel and act. It would be like telling a prisoner in prison for stealing, not to steal when he gets out if he wants to stay out. Although the statement is very true, both stealing and going to prison are effects of something else. Even saying “if you would just quit using drugs, you wouldn’t need to steal to support your habit, and you wouldn’t end up back in prison” although accurate, would still be inappropriate coming from a counselor. The drug use is but a mere symptom of a much deeper issue or issues. The counselor would be more effective assisting the counselee on a journey into the past, with the help of the Holy Spirit, seeking to locate the root causes. The Holy Spirit not only knows exactly what issues need to be dealt with but has the ability to expose them, dispose of them and heal the wounds caused by them. The Biblical perspective takes us to deeper levels of understanding.
Spiritual Affliction – Most counselors with a secular world view overlook spirit affliction and the possibility of spirit affliction leading to struggles such as anxiety and depression. Through personal experience working with many men and women, I have found that most emotional challenges are caused by sin or some sort of trauma, and in most situations, it was someone else’s sin that instigated the trauma such as a molestation or some other form of abuse. Both have the potential of opening doorways for spirit entry. To discount the reality of the spiritual realm and its influence would be a big mistake. We must understand the spiritual truths of the Bible. A true Biblical perspective is key because we are not talking about religion but rather a relationship with the Author of the Bible. Spiritual problems require a spiritual solution. Ever wonder why; each time a person relapses, their behaviors worsen? Jesus has a thing or two to share about this particular subject in the following scripture.
Matthew 12:43 “When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”
We can easily see that we are dealing with intelligent beings. They have the ability to travel freely, the knowledge to seek something in particular, they know where they came from and can find their way back, they remember the condition the person was in when they left, and can bring back with them other spirits even more wicked than themselves. Without question, these spirits influence the destructive behaviors of man.
In the following scripture, we are given an example of just how much of an influence they can be. I personally believe there spirits attempting to influence all behavior, be it good or evil. Here we are given an example of just how severe the condition of man can get when afflicted by many spirits.
Mark 5:1 They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. 2When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. 4For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. (NIV) The Biblical perspective is clear!
6When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won’t torture me!” 8For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!”
9Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” 10And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
11A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. (NIV)
Just as we see how severe an affliction can get, Jesus also gives a clear example of His ability to set captives free. Jesus changed this man’s condition in an instant. Also note that as soon as the man was set free, his desire was to follow Jesus. In this particular case, Jesus had a different plan for him. He was told to go back to his people and give his testimony. For some, being of service is nothing more than being prepared to give testimony in and out of season about what God has done for you always viewing the transformation at a deeper level from a Biblical perspective.
In the following scripture we see that, although the enemy works through man, man in and of himself, is clearly not the enemy. We cannot win spiritual battles with guns and knives. These battles must be fought spiritually using the resources God has provided. A person in bondage to the enemy’s schemes is in desperate need of spiritual help. We can assist those in captivity (in the throes of an addiction, etc.) by making ourselves available to God to be used by Him as His vessels to deliver His solution. He said “you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” Truth is what leads a man out of bondage towards a life of true freedom. We, His saints and ministers, His ambassadors on earth, are delivers of His truth. Every believer has been provided with everything necessary to walk in freedom in the here and now. God says His people perish in their ignorance. We need to understand and utilize the full armor. An important part of winning a battle is having a clear understanding of the enemy. We need to be able to identify him, understand the types of weapons he uses, understand his schemes and tactics and be familiar with the battleground. The most important ingredient in winning this battle is; understanding who we are in Christ. God has provided for us everything necessary to bring victory in every battle we face. Paul shares a little about the battle in the following scripture. It is not with people, but with the spirits influencing their behavior.
Eph. 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Understanding the Healing Process from a Biblical perspective:
The Holy Spirit is the only One able to expose and dispose lies. He is the One that walks us through the process that, depending on the particular issues involved, requires some level of action on our part including steps such as confession, repentance, renouncing and forgiveness. The most important ingredient in the healing process is forgiveness which is not possible without the other three. Without forgiveness, there is no true freedom and without freedom there is no true reconciliation with Him or among the body as a whole. Remember, a high price was paid for reconciliation, a byproduct of His forgiveness. The Biblical perspective tells us this was the very reason Jesus went to the cross.
The process is identified by many labels but all require the similar steps if true freedom is expected.
Initially we need to get right with God, than self and then with others. We can accomplish this task using the 12 twelve steps as long as Jesus is involved. Why Jesus? Because without Him, there is no true forgiveness, and without forgiveness there is no true freedom. Our part is confessing our sins to God for forgiveness and to each other for healing. We forgive people, God forgives sin.
The beginning of a new life is pretty cut and dry.
He offers His gift of salvation – Romans 10:9 For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. 11As the Scriptures tell us, “Anyone who believes in him will not be disappointed.”£12Jew and Gentile are the same in this respect. They all have the same Lord, who generously gives his riches to all who ask for them. 13For “Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
He offers His forgiveness – 1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness
He shares what is necessary for healing – James 5:16 – Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
The growth process, aka transformation requires participation. When we understand what the Biblical perspective (i.e. Biblical world view) is, Christians being followers of Christ, and the term “called to become Christ like” starts to get become clear and more reachable. How is this possible? He is perfect! How could we be anything like Him? He has made it very simple, maybe too simple for us to take seriously. All He asks is that we spend some time with Him and He will do the rest. With Him, we can become like Him. There is nothing like getting to know Him intimately. As He changes us on the inside, He radiates through us and we get to experience the blessing.
Maintaining your Freedom from a Biblical perspective:
Don’t let Satan steal your joy. Most of your problems are “all in your head” so to speak. All behaviors start out with a thought. No action on the voluntary side of the nervous system happens without starting out as a thought. Any thought entertained long enough stands a good chance of becoming an action. And any action repeated over time has the potential of becoming a habit. Hopefully by now, we understand that habits can be either good or bad. We must learn to hold our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, filtering them through His truth, quickly rejecting any that are in opposition to it.
Steps ten through twelve are perfect examples of what needs to be practiced on a regular basis to help maintain the freedom acquired up to this point. We continue to clean house, grow spiritually and share the gift of freedom with others. From a Biblical perspective, this would equate an ongoing transformation.
The 12 Steps, properly understood, actually point to verses of scripture specifically chosen and simplified for the addicted one. When properly applied, they have the ability to walk a man out of bondage, clean him up, teach him how to live, and equip him to effectively help others find freedom. A physically sick person would go to a doctor and get a medicinal prescription, and if taken as directed, would hopefully recover.
The addicted one however, has damage in all three areas (body, soul, and spirit) and is in need of healing in all three areas. The problems buried deep within the soul and spirit are spiritual and thus require a spiritual solution. The only One that can expose and dispose (surgically remove them) is the Spiritual Surgeon, Jesus. He discloses the truth, exposing the lies; disposes the root and then heals the wound. The twelve steps, “a spiritual prescription of scripture” are twelve verses of scripture simplified for the alcoholic and the addict to understand, accept, and utilize.
This process, Biblically speaking, is known as deliverance. This simple formula has the ability to deliver an abuser from a life of bondage and insanity, to a place of freedom, peace, and joy. We find in Jesus, what most have been searching for in a bottle, needle or pipe.
Steps 1 through 3 have the ability to take a person from a state of selfish self-centeredness, powerless, helpless, and hopeless, to a Christ-centered life, hopeful and all-powerful in Christ Jesus. At step three, the all-powerful Helper comes to live within. “Made a decision” has a deeper meaning to it. To decide actually means to kill off the other option or options. In the process of deliverance, this term is called renounce. When we decide to turn our will and life over to the care of God, we are actually renouncing the connections we have with the other gods we were worshiping such as alcohol, drugs, sex, money, etc. The Gate Keeper, our Lord Jesus Christ, is the only One with the power to get them out, can and will get them out and will keep them out but only if He is asked. He is the giver and respecter of free will, leaving it up to us to choose how we want to live. When a spirit is removed (in the power of Jesus), the only way that spirit can return is through a (conscious or unconscious) invite back. God has given man a free will and He will certainly respect and protect it.
Steps 4 through 9 are house cleaning steps, a time to utilize the Helper (the Holy Spirit living within) in the cleansing process of inner self. First, immoral behavior (sin) is dealt with, then the sinful nature (the defective character living within) that leads us to sin, and finally we face those that we have harmed with our sinful destructive behaviors. Admitting our wrongs, repenting of that behavior, forgiving one’s self, forgiving others, and receiving God’s forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of others is the key to freedom. What a freeing experience it is to clean up the wreckage of our sinful destructive behaviors. We confess our sins to God for forgiveness and a cleansing (1 John 1:9), and to each other for healing (James 5:16a).
Step 10 is the maintenance step, teaching us to evaluate our daily behavior, while encouraging us to clean up potential problems before they become problems. Diligently revisiting this step keeps us from building a new inventory of lingering unresolved immoral issues.
Step 11 encourages continual spiritual growth, continuously improving our personal relationship with God. It is His desire to have an ongoing personal relationship with each of us, and healthy relationships require good communication. We communicate with Him through prayer and meditation. In prayer, we speak to Him, and through meditation, He speaks to us. Some of our biggest lessons come directly from Him through prayer and meditation. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly (Col. 3:16).
Step 12 is all about trying to help those still suffering in bondage to their addiction. We become living, breathing testimonies of God’s transforming power. Carrying the message of freedom, Biblically speaking, is known as the great commission. Those that have experienced this new found freedom can’t help but want to share it with others.
Emotions are sometimes the most difficult thing in our life to understand and adequately address. We can be locked into emotions that are damaging and devastating every aspect of our life. Modern psychiatry is based on the belief that negative emotions can be overcome through some form of medication to stabilize the brain chemicals. This is essentially concluding that emotions are merely a by-product of our brain function. This has led to an overwhelming proportion of the population seeking a solution to emotional pain through a prescription drug. That’s not to say that chemical imbalances can’t be real, in fact, they often play a valid role in some issues. But often, our emotional pain has a root reason, and when we deal with that root, we can alleviate the painful emotion.
We can also attempt to self-medicate emotional pain in various ways. We can opt to use a chemical substance, or participate in other behavioral addictions such as codependence, people pleasing, gambling, sex, workaholism, etc. This essential tries to “undo” the pain by numbing it or finding some other form of pleasure to eliminate it. But this never brings any lasting change, and only causes a new set of problems – both emotional pain and addiction.So what really can we do with our emotional challenges?
Are Emotions Wrong?
Since we are created in the image of God, we should understand that emotions are simply part of what makes us a human being. In other words, God gave us emotions so we could feel, be passionate, and experience the fullness of life. (Phil. 4:4; Mt. 10:28; Eph. 4:26; Rom. 12:15; Ps. 37:4). God also exhibited emotions. (Ps. 33:5; 95:10; Isa. 49:15-16; 61:8; Zeph. 3:17). If God Himself has emotions, clearly they cannot always be wrong in and of themselves. However, just like anything, our emotions can get twisted and skewed. When we are living apart from God, there are many negative consequences. Galatians 5:19-21 describes this: “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,orgies, and the like.” Obviously, some emotions were never intended by God.How then do we distinguish when an emotion is normal and healthy, and when it’s crossed the line into a sinful, dysfunctional reaction? Let’s first try to understand in more detail the purpose behind emotions.
The Manifestation of Emotions
Emotions are like the engine light of a vehicle. When emotions go off, we must understand that something is happening “in our engine” and the emotion is a warning sign. If we learn of sad news, the normal reaction should be sadness and grief. If we feel conviction that we’ve done something wrong, we need to get right with God. This means emotions aren’t the issue, they are merely an EXPRESSION of the issue. Imagine life if we didn’t feel? Imagine if we didn’t have the capacity to respond and experience life with emotions? Life would be dull and shallow at best, to the point of being totally meaningless. If we didn’t feel we’d be no different than a computer or a robot. On the other hand, we can be completely imprisoned by our emotions. When we’ve lost control of our emotions, we no longer understand or can identify the issues that drive them, and have chosen to allow them to reign and rule our life.
Most negative emotions come from faulty beliefs and faulty thinking. When we believe something that is rooted in our flesh, satan or the system of the world, (our three enemies) it has the potential to directly influence our thinking. When we think something faulty, it can taint our feelings. Our feelings are irrational, and we can behave in accordance to what we feel. Eventually, we can have an automatic way we behave, respond, act out or live in a given situation. The bible refers to this as a stronghold. We no longer can control our feelings or even our behaviors. We’ll address this in more detail later
Let’s look at some example of how normal emotions can become sinful reactions that lead to emotional bondage:
A mom and wife takes care of the needs of her family and alcoholic husband, and is offered little support in return. She appears willing and strong, but deep down feels angry, violated and lonely. She continually strives to get validation and engages in codependent behaviors. The harder she tries, the more angry and discouraged she becomes.
A young man is betrayed by his girlfriend. After investing time, money and emotions into the relationship, he is devastated. He feels hurt, rejected and used. He sets out to make sure everyone knows the truth about her. In his quest to deal with his rejection, he becomes overcome by anger and bitterness.
A woman needs her job to support her family. Her boss is hostile and mean, making it very difficult. She feels anxious and stressed all the time, worrying about her future and the needs in her life. She rarely enjoys her personal life as a result.In all these examples, emotions are normal initial reactions to the situation.
To tell any of these people “you shouldn’t feel bad” would be wrong. Or to tell them to “just cheer up” would not solve their problem. These feelings are real. However, it’s what they do in the initial state of experiencing emotions that will determine the long-term outcome.
So what could they have done to avoid the pitfall of allowing emotions to get out of control? Is there any way to step out of the emotion in the “heat of the moment?”
Here are some practical suggestions.
1. Remember that emotions are indicators not facts.
Emotions reflect what is happening in our heart. They should not be ignored, nor should they be taken as factual truth. If we begin to understand that they are essentially a “response”, not the actual problem, it helps us to put things in the proper perspective. If we are grieving the loss of a loved one, those feelings of pain and sadness are a by-product. It is normal and healthy to experience grief. People that try to repress and deny emotions wind up with larger scale problems. However, in this example, as we go through grief and learn to accept and move on beyond that loss, we have the chance to continue to live life in a healthy way. On the other hand, if we continually focus on the loss of that loved one and never try to move past it, we become imprisoned by sadness, grief and despair to the point of which it paralyzes us. This disrupts our ability to ever live a life of joy and peace, or to be able to experience all of God’s blessings in our life. This emotion is no longer healthy, it is a form of bondage.
#2. Identify belief system that drove the emotion.
When emotions become intense, we need to step back and identify the origin of the circumstance, thought, idea or belief. We usually cannot “stop” feeling. In the example above, if we’ve lost someone we loved, it’s a reality that cannot be changed. But over time, the feelings of despair may be directed by false messages such as “I can’t live without that person, life isn’t worth it”. Those are the beliefs that need to be understood and recognized, because under those beliefs is a lie. In reality, we did experience loss. It does hurt. But we can and will survive and heal.
#3. Identify When we Transfer Responsibility.
We must realize that another person isn’t responsible for how we feel. Emotions are influenced by our OWN thoughts and beliefs. If someone tells us we are stupid, we can internally deflect that and say “no, I’m not stupid, I’m actually quite intelligent”. As long as we are humble about it, we’ve just refused to allow those words to penetrate. We may still feel a bit hurt, but we know that the comment was false. On the other hand, we could choose to believe we actually are stupid. If we receive that as truth, we make it a part of our internal self talk. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, rejection and anger – thus the makings of emotional turmoil.
#4. Recognize Satan’s Part.
We can’t discount the element of spiritual attack in our emotional challenges. Satan can’t make us “feel” anything, but he knows how vulnerable we are. He works overtime to tempt us to think false things about ourselves and others, knowing if we “take the bait” we will eventually wind up in bondage to our emotions and sinful reactions. That’s why understanding spiritual warfare, spelled out in Ephesians 6 :10-20 is so vitally important.
#5. Claim God’s promises to defeat negative emotions.
Wherever we feel a negative emotion, we can find a solution to that emotion in the Word of God. Claiming a promise against the emotion doesn’t change the circumstance. We need to address that situation for what it is. But claiming a promise against the emotion means that instead of dwelling on the pain that provoked the emotion, we are going to dwell on God’s glorious supplies to meet our need, whatever it might be.
Philippians 4:4-9 explains what happens when this occurs:
Always be joyful in the Lord! I’ll say it again: Be joyful! Let everyone know how considerate you are. The Lord is near. Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
You might be thinking, “well that sounds great, but what about my marriage, my daughter, my job, etc? Am I just suppose to claim this promise and then everything will be okay?” It goes much deeper. When we choose to bring our emotions before the throne of grace, and we choose to claim a promise in our circumstance, we have a new perspective. Not only that, it is a submission of our life to God – we essentially tell Him, “it doesn’t matter what’s going on, Lord, I’m going to trust what YOU say is true”. When we live this way, we are filled with the Spirit – and the by-product it produces in our life includes ” love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” – Galatians 5:22.
Can you see the radical difference in outcomes? Now, what about that circumstance we face? As we trust in God, and experience His love, He gives us wisdom to deal with our problems or to understand the direct nature of our circumstance or need. At times, we may need to learn to set boundaries in a relationship. At other times, we need to let a relationship go in our life. If we lost a family member, we cling to the promise of eternal life and the fact we will be united again with them in heaven. We may need to change jobs, but we begin to trust that God is in control and will supply the job we need. Or, He has the capability to complete turn that job situation around.
See, it’s not that we ignore or neglect the circumstances or needs, but rather, that we approach it in a biblical fashion, which in turn gives access to God’s very own power.If you are going through painful emotions, remember to allow yourself to be human. But also, don’t allow yourself to fall in the pit of emotional despair – it will destroy you. God never intended that our life be pain-free. But He promised we could always experience Him in the midst of our challenges. And in our experience with Him, He would provide the peace, comfort, joy and love that we need more than anything else. Where are you today? Are you able to trust God? He loves you. He bought you with a price, and He is deeply involved with that situation that is burdening you right now.
Reach out and grab a promise. Claim it in the name of Jesus, and watch Him transform your situation by transforming your heart.
Stephanie Tucker is the director of the Codependence Treatment and Family Treatment programs at New Life Spirit Recovery.
Our daily struggles are actually blessings in disguise. They are God-given opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth. They are literally faith builders. The typical addict has what is known as “fight or flight” syndrome. When situations get too uncomfortable, they either react or escape, or do both. An escape is good as long as it is into God’s arms and not the local drug dealer’s. Hopefully at some point, we learn to accept the fact that daily trials are a normal part of life, something we are powerless over and cannot change. What we can change is the way we deal with them. Learning to live life on life’s terms has many benefits.
James, the brother of Jesus shares the importance of emotional and spiritual challenges.
James 1 :1-8
From James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.To all of God’s people who are scattered everywhere in the world: Greetings. My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous and enjoys giving to all people, so He will give you wisdom. But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord.
In verse 3, it is made clear that troubles “test our faith.” In reality, they not only test it, but exercise it and help it to grow. Most of us know how exercise works with the physical body. As we exercise pushing against steel weights, the resistance forces the muscles to stretch their limits. They get torn down in the process, and as they recover, their size and strength increases. The next time around, they are able to withstand the same resistance, and then more each time the process is practiced again. If the body is receiving a proper diet and practicing consistent exercise, it will grow stronger.
Spiritually speaking, if you have a healthy spiritual diet, (eating His word, the Bread of life), the challenges this world sends your way will be the exact resistance needed to increase your faith. As we face our daily challenges and put our trust in God and watch Him come through for us, our faith in Him increases.
On the other hand, these real-life trials and tribulations have the ability to cause significant trauma in the lives of those still suffering in active addiction. Before recovery, none of us were properly equipped to deal with these challenges, and entering program was just the beginning. From that point on, we needed to learn the true meaning of application. The program of AA says we must learn to practice the principles of program in all our affairs. Application and practice are very important ingredients on the solution side of recovery. Without them, we remain spiritual and emotional runts, clean and sober weaklings that continue to be “tossed to and fro” in every situation.
But, if we apply what is suggested, each struggle encountered becomes an opportunity for growth. In vs. 4 above, we have His promise that He will provide everything needed to become complete. If we do our part, He will certainly do His. If we refuse to believe that He can and will do exactly what His Word says, why should He? Why should He do something for us if we doubt Him and His love for us? He paid a high price for the gift He is offering anyone that is willing to accept it. He sent His Son to die so we may have eternal life with Him. Shouldn’t that be enough? Jesus shed His blood for the forgiveness of our sins. He paid a debt He did not owe, a debt we could not possibly pay.
Have you accepted the gift of salvation? If so, then accept His promises. He will come through. He will do as He says. Today is the day to “exercise” your faith and then watch is grow!
As we begin our journey along the true path to recovery, we find that there are things that need to be done, steps that need to be taken, in order to achieve the fullness of the promises that are revealed in the 12-step programs. One of the biggest gifts we can receive is the gift of “true inner-peace and joy.” We can see peace in the eyes of some of the “old timers,” those that have pioneered before us. They are living examples to follow. Their serenity, their “inner-peace and joy,” comes from the effort they put forth in making the necessary changes in their lives. For the most part, this “peace and joy” comes from God through changes that He makes on the inside of us. God is the giver of true “peace and joy.” The Bible tells us that Jesus is the Prince of Peace.”
Understanding a little about God’s power, and realizing how much He loves us are essential factors in the process of recovery. Once you’ve “cleaned house” (with His help), and are allowing Him to manage your life, things will begin to flow more smoothly. His peace and joy is something that fills us from the inside, and nothing in this physical world can duplicate it, or take it away. The counterfeit, the fulfillment that comes from the things of this world, are temporal. They are counterfeits of the “real thing,” and have the ability to do serious damage. Their short-lived satisfaction (or escape) always ends with disappointment, heart-ache and destruction. The emptiness we sometimes feel deep within our gut is something only God can fill. It’s a spiritual void that came into existence when Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden. They became separated from God, leaving a vast emptiness with-in, and we’ve all inherited that “gut-deep” void. We try to fill it with all kinds of counterfeits things such as drugs, alcohol, sex, money, pornography, and other obsessions also known as “fixes.” The Bible calls them idols. An idol is anything we put in place of God. When we are seeking something from a person, place or thing that should be coming from God, it would fall in the category of an idol. Those that have received Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and continue to apply His principles into their lives, (hanging out with, trusting in, and being obedient to Him) have found the “true inner-peace and joy” that only comes from Him. They’ve learned to practice the steps with Him at the center, (which are Biblical principles) in every situation and in all areas of their life. These steps are “a spiritual prescription of scripture” (a gift from God) written specifically for the obsessive sinner. If they are worked properly, and applied properly, they have the ability to transform lives. The true path to recovery is here
God has provided everything we need for recovery. Addiction is not the initial problem, but an outward expression of much deeper problems. Addiction actually becomes an extension of the underlying problem. The root is spiritual and needs to be dealt with through spiritual solutions. You will never resolve a spiritual problem with a physical solution. Step three suggests that we “let go and let God,” the Bible tells us to “deny the flesh” and “walk in the spirit.” As we get more familiar with His Word, and begin to experience His love, His transforming power changes us into the person He created us to be. Giving our will and our life over to His care means that we must make Him our Lord as well as our Savior. We must sincerely put our trust in Him, and obey Him, especially not ignoring the part about obedience to Him. Most of us are more than willing to receive Him as our Savior, but for convenience sake, are not willing to give Him the position as Lord over our life. He is Lord and we must come under His authority if we expect to experience the life He has planned for us. True path to recovery is available.
We can see this accomplished in many that have pioneered before us. We see a big difference in the ones that “came to believe.” The main contributing factor in the growing success of the 12 step programs is through attraction, not promotion. The newcomer is drawn to the “glow” of hope he sees in the eyes of some of the members that have already found freedom. If he is willing to follow their path, being completely honest with God, himself and others, keeping an open-mind, he will begin to receive the promises (the blessings) that God has for all those that are truly walking with Him.
It sounds pretty easy to accomplish. How come most of us find it so hard? We need to understand that even though these precious gifts are freely given by God, we must take some level of action on our part. First we must accept defeat and surrender. Then we must be willing to follow suggestion and work the steps. We need to learn about them, and then we must put them to work for us. We must learn the meaning of application, because they are useless until we initially work through them, and then apply them into our daily living. God uses “our surrender,” and “our willingness to let go and let Him,” as an invite for Him to enter in and clean up the mess we’ve made of our lives.
We also need to be aware that there is an enemy, ours as well as God’s, that doesn’t want us to receive anything from God. Satan will do anything and everything possible to prevent or trip up the recovery process. He’s actually the one that’s been leading us astray all along. He tempts our sinful, lustful flesh into following his ways. Of course we have a choice, (a free will) but unless we have the power of God residing in us, and choose to follow God’s ways, we will fall short and be lead astray every time we are tempted. Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy lives. Awareness of a problem is the first step towards a solution. Drugs and alcohol are some of what he uses to loosen a man up. With it, he knows, we’ll do many other things that we wouldn’t normally do. Once we’ve bought into “his snare,” “his lure,” “his lies,” it’s just a matter of time before we get desperate enough, and are willing to do practically anything for more. It’s a powerful tool of Satan’s. It’s time to realize what’s really been going on behind the scenes.
The Bible warns us in Eph. 6:10-12 A final word: Be strong with the Lord’s mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
1 Peter 5:8-11 Control yourselves and be careful! The devil, your enemy, goes around like a roaring lion looking for someone to eat. Refuse to give in to him, by standing strong in your faith. You know that your Christian family all over the world is having the same kinds of suffering. And after you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, will make everything right. He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling. He called you to share in his glory in Christ, a glory that will continue forever. All power is his forever and ever. Amen. A true path to recovery is good
We must be educated, or at least aware, in order to survive. God says that His people perish out of ignorance. We need to be able to recognize Satan’s schemes, realize he is nothing but a liar and a tempter, has no power over us (except for the power we give it to him), and that we have all the power necessary, in Christ, to survive his attacks (only if we utilize it).
Satan is a real and potentially dangerous force in the world today, leading the evil side of the spiritual world just as he has throughout human history. Often, Satan will act in subtle yet clever ways to try to turn people away from God. Recognizing his strategies, then drawing on Christ’s power, will enable you to successfully survive.
Here are some ways Satan operates – and some ways you can effectively respond: No true path to recovery loses.
Realize that your mind is the site of many spiritual battles. Satan often tries to get people to think in ways that are contrary to God’s Word, and then to act in ways that contradict God’s will for them. Read your Bible frequently, and think about what it says. Pray for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind.
When you look for a quick fix from something rather than trusting God to act in His time, and in His way, beware. You’re making yourself vulnerable to evil, because Satan frequently tempts people who seem frustrated by God. Focus on God rather than on what you want, and trust that He will always act in love, according to what’s best for you. true path to recovery loses.
The way God works sometimes doesn’t make sense to us, because our perspectives are limited, and God’s aren’t. Satan would like you to put your trust in your human reason, but standing firm in your faith in God, especially when His ways seem mysterious, will prove much more powerful.
When you encounter ethical dilemmas in a variety of situations, Satan and his evil forces will try to influence you to bend God’s Word to justify choices that seem more appealing than the Biblical ones. Commit to rely on Biblical principles in all situations, and pray for the strength to do so. Ask someone close to you to hold you accountable, and help hold that person accountable.
Selfishness, expressed through pride and a lust for power, led to Satan’s fall from his glory as one of God’s angels. Satan yearns to convince you that thinking and acting selfishly is best, but it will never bring you fulfillment. Rather than seeking your own satisfaction in life, let your love for God and others be your motivation. If you do, you’ll be blessed.
This is the true path to recovery.
Our clinical directors are well known published authors whose materials are used throughout the country and even the world. New Life Spirit Recovery was established in 2005 and has been recognized by many credible ministries such a Focus on the Family and Calvary Chapel.
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