Understanding Boundaries
Without healthy boundaries, we will allow things into our life that don’t belong. We will give away things we should not give away. We will enable a person in an addiction. And ultimately, we will lose our sense of values and beliefs. It is vital to learn healthy boundaries. Do you understand how they are working in your life?
by Stephanie Tucker, MDAAC, MMin.
If you are dealing with an addict in your life, learning healthy boundaries is an essential ingredient in coping with that relationship. It is important to understand that a person functioning with addictive behaviors is doing things that are inappropriate and irresponsible. However, that person is in deep need of authentic love and concern. How can you love a person suffering from addiction? By taking a stand against wrong behavior and addiction itself, while at the same time knowing that your loved one’s brokenness can be the beginning of a new life. You can only do this by defining and setting healthy boundaries in your life. This allows you the opportunity to love that person, but hate and refuse the addictive behaviors that cause pain and conflict in your home. It will also allow the addict to feel the ramifications of choices that you are not willing to tolerate. Often, when family members are committed to no longer enabling the addict, the addict will come to the desperate place of wanting or needing help. This is not an easy task. But in order to do this, it’s important to begin to understand what boundaries are all about.
What is a Boundary?
Boundaries are invisible fences around ourselves that protect what we let in and what we give out. Boundaries in essence say “I belong to me” and “you belong to you.” They establish a system of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in our lives and in the lives of those around us. Rather than merely separate, boundaries PROTECT what we possess and value, including our own life and body. By design, boundaries set the course for mutual respect, consideration, protection and safety in all forms of relationships.
Types of Boundaries
Generally speaking, there are two different types of boundaries: external and internal.
External boundaries exist around homes, yards, personal property, desk space, car space, etc. It is very easy to recognize this type of boundary. They define our property and ownership! For someone to enter into our personal property would be an obvious violation.
Our physical bodies also operate through external boundaries. We have a “space” around us that we generally feel the need to protect. If a stranger gets too close to us, for example, we are naturally inclined to feel somewhat threatened, and will probably take a few steps back to recreate that comfortable space. If we felt we were about to be violated, we would mostly likely try to run.
Internal boundaries are much more difficult to understand because they deal with our inner person: our soul and spirit. All of God’s principles, laws and promises rest on a perfect set of boundaries He has established through His Word. Although we may attempt to justify certain behaviors, in reality, God does not negotiate His boundaries. They are very specific for each and every area of our life. Each one of them is established to protect and love us. It is up to us, utilizing the power of the Holy Spirit, to keep those boundaries. If we compromise the things we understand to be right, we will face the negative consequence. We will hurt our relationship to God.
Emotions are the killer of all our attempts to set and adhere to healthy boundaries. This is because how we feel in a given situation isn’t necessarily what we should do. If our lives are dictated by our emotions rather than our beliefs and convictions, compromise is sure to follow. People who lack emotional boundaries are prone to be manipulated or manipulate others. For example, if you tell a person “no” when they are requesting something from you, they might start to pull the emotional strings that would get you to change your mind. They might try to use guilt, shame or fear to convince you to do what they are requesting. If you heed to those “emotional strings”, you will always break a boundary you have set.
Healthy emotional boundaries protect our heart. They ensure we don’t allow or carelessly give away our hearts and souls to the wrong person who might hurt us. They protect those intimate places in our life where we might be weak and vulnerable. Emotional boundaries also separate our feelings from other people’s feelings. This means another person isn’t responsible for how we feel, nor are we responsible for how another person feels. When we do not have healthy emotional boundaries, we are prone to latch unto people inappropriately, and are unable to separate our emotions from that person. This is the beginning to a downward spiral that will lead to all forms of unhealthy relationship issues.
What Boundaries Do:
They DO set guidelines in advance for us to follow in all areas of life (In the areas of weakness, we need someone to help us keep our pre-established boundaries)
They DO protect the morals and values we place in our life
They DO protect our rights to be treated with dignity and respect in all relationships.
They DO protect us from allowing someone to enter into our lives wrongly or ask us to do things we don’t want to do
They DO protect us from our own emotional instability in a given situation
They DO act as a warning sign when we are about enter places that are dangerous
They DO prescribe a consequence if the boundary is breached
What Boundaries Don’t Do:
Boundaries DON’T change our heart – if we continually break a boundary it’s because of a stronghold in our soul and spirit that needs to be overcome. This is why we can’t follow all God’s laws and “boundaries” perfectly. Sometimes our hearts must change before our behavior changes.
Boundaries CAN’T be imposed as control used to change the outcome of someone else’s behaviors. We must decide what we will or will not allow, but cannot force another person to change by setting boundaries. Our boundaries are set for ourselves, we do not set other people’s boundaries.
Boundaries DON’T protect or encourage negative behavior, only behavior driven by God’s Word, morals, values and the preciousness of who we are in Christ. If a boundary encourages unhealthy behavior, it has no element of love and protection.
God’s Example
In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were given a set of boundaries by God. He clearly defined what he would and would not allow in His relationship with them. He also prescribed the consequence upfront so they understood what would happen if the boundaries were violated. Then temptation hit. First, Eve was lured by Satan. He convinced her that she needed something God told her she shouldn’t have. She gave into her emotions rather than heeding to the set boundary. Her husband also broke a boundary by allowing her to convince him that eating the apple was acceptable behavior.
When they broke that boundary and ate the forbidden fruit, the consequences were devastating. God had to impose the consequences, otherwise the boundary itself and His Holiness and authority would be meaningless. But we must remember what happened after that. God forgave that behavior and brought restoration their lives. Through their one act of disobedience the entire human race was cursed. But as they were truly broken and remorseful for their choice, God responded by sending a plan of salvation. God’s goal in setting painful consequences? It is a set up to be able to offer forgiveness, healing and newness of life. And a harsh reminder not to commit that behavior again!
This is the essential nature of God’s boundaries:
He establishes them ahead of time and assigns a consequences if they are broken
He establishes them based on His love and desire to protect us, not merely out of control
He gives us the ability to accomplish them by His power living in the inside of us (therefore they are reasonable to accomplish)
He establishes them on the basis of the truth of His Word
He will allow us to feel the consequences if they are broken
When the consequences hurt, God wants us to repent so He can forgive us and restore us
When it comes to dealing with the addict or alcoholic, using God’s principles for setting healthy boundaries is essential. It is important to determine ahead of time what you will or will not allow, and then assign a consequence for that behavior. Unfounded threats don’t work. “If you do that one more time, I’ll do this”, you might say. But when it all comes down to it, it was merely a threat to change (control) a behavior, not a healthy boundary at all. You have a right to establish boundaries in your home. However you have an obligation to make sure those boundaries are realistic and fair, and founded in love, not control. Most important, you must be willing and ready to follow through on the consequence, otherwise, the ”fence” (boundary) gets trampled and is no longer valid.
Sometimes, boundaries are “tough love.” So often, family members struggle with this. Remember something, IT NOT LOVE TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO CONTINUE IN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR. If you in anyway allow or unknowingly encourage that behavior, you are now participating in it. Rather, as God demonstrates for us, it is loving to place a healthy boundary in your life that protects you and those you love, including the addict, from harmful behaviors. The PAIN OF THAT CONSEQUENCE IS MEANT AS A LOVING METHOD OF EXPRESSING THAT CERTAIN BEHAVIORS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE AND WON’T BE ALLOWED. But the ultimate goal is not the pain of the consequence. It is the brokenness that follows the painful consequence that holds so much POWER. In that broken state, forgiveness is offered and recovery begins.
As you learn to set healthy boundaries in all relationships, you may be surprised how often your decisions are based on emotions or the need to please people rather than on your legitimate right to keep your boundary in place. If you struggle with this, ask Jesus to be your “gatekeeper”. Think of Him as the person that is assigning and protecting the “fences” in your life. Think of Him as the person that will also impose a consequence on any violation. You know He’s doing it in love. You know He takes His boundaries very seriously! And you know His ultimate goal is always restoration and new beginnings.
Learn more about codependence and the process of setting healthy boundaries through The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook: From Surviving to Significance