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Beyond Sobriety: A Look at the Critical Goals of Recovery

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Anyone entering or having a loved one enter a recovery program has one goal in mind: get and stay sober. However, most don’t understand that sobriety in and of itself is not enough. People can get sober, but not necessarily set free. The removal of the substance isn’t the removal of the contributing factors, the problems in that person’s life that may have led to their use or abuse. In fact, quite often addiction is used as an unhealthy form of coping, thus the situations that caused the person to “check out” in the first place must be addressed.  We’ve broken down the five areas we feel are most vital to a long-term, successful recovery program.

Five Critical Goals for Long-term Recovery

1. Gaining a personal relationship with Jesus and learning how to be connected to the Holy Spirit is most important ingredient.  Jesus is a person, not merely a principle. Meeting Him isn’t done though religious technique, shaming, cohesion, control or guilt. Sadly, we live in a culture that has framed Christianity as intolerant and out of touch. Many times, people have had negative experiences in the church and thus have labeled God as mean, hard, demanding and unloving. Some people won’t enter into a Christian program because they are assuming they will find out how “bad” they are, and get a bunch of lists of what they “should do.” That’s a lie! The goal of a healthy Christian program is to introduce the character of God and begin to establish an atmosphere to dialogue with Him in the heart. The Bible is used to establish truth, and to display the radical promises it contains. The Bible isn’t a letter of judgement, but a redemptive story of love and grace.

People in recovery must learn to see themselves as precious sons and daughters of a God who loves them deeply and has plans and purposes for their lives.  Rarely do people decline the invitation God gives to enter into this type of relationship.  They decline because they have the wrong idea of who He is. Simply put, they don’t know Him. Imagine if you were hearing rumors about someone’s character, and had drawn up a horrible idea of who they were, only to discover that the information you had been given was wrong.  That same person someone tried to frame as “bad”, in fact was a carrier of love and generosity; kindness and compassion. Perhaps that’s why God despises slander so much – it defames character wrongfully. And could anyone know that any better than Jesus? He was accused as being demonic, a drunkard and a fraud. Many people have a very toxic idea of Him because they have been fed lies. Simply put, they have false information about His character and nature! Recovery that aims at the heart gives the opportunity to let God reveal Himself on the basis of who He is really is. This is where change truly begins. From there,  a person is able to view Him and self accurately: as objects of His love and affection. This one truth can single-handedly change the course of a person’s life forever.

2. Understand that God seeks to change the heart, not modify behaviors.  Behaviors have a root and a drive. They are the result of the choices a person makes, and those choices are attached to deeper things. By not focusing on behaviors alone (while holding people accountable to certain standards), we can learn the “why” of the heart. Asking  a person to confront the deeper situations, experiences and injuries of the heart is to gain insight, to reject lies and to let Jesus touch the places that have led a person to “check out” through unhealthy coping. Addicts will continue to struggle with character defects, and if behavioral perfection is the goal, they will not succeed. Perfection is never God’s goal – He is looking for the belief or the mindset that opposes the truth of who He is. He is teaching us to come as we are and openly confess our sin and brokenness before Him so that we can be set free.   Forgiveness is the beginning of all freedom. Learning to forgive others and let God forgive us is where change begins. But sometimes that requires a deeper surgical work of the Holy Spirit. Not all areas of the heart automatically reveal themselves – there can be hidden places where secrets, injuries, resentment and other hazardous human conditions hide. Loving confrontational processes through the tools of recovery allow people to assess, view, comprehend and apply spiritual remedy to the places of hurt, sin and damage.

3. The tool of grace need to be attained as the cure. The dreaded term “cure” makes many in recovery cringe. They will remind us that addiction is a brain disease and can never end. True. It does cause brain defects and an addict should never consume drugs or alcohol again. Some need additional help through diet and a doctor, as to not negate physical problems. But overall, there is a cure. Yes, there is. It’s the same cure that was bought on the cross. When the words “it is finished” were uttered by Jesus, it referred to completion and the all-sufficiency of His grace. But that doesn’t mean the term “cure” magically allows an addict to drink again. Substance will need to be released, permanently. Rather, the cure comes when the bondage of sin, the torment of temptation, the chronic sense of unworthiness, the lack of purpose, the relationship injuries are replaced with this one truth – Jesus is enough. When grace, the very nature of Jesus Christ, is acquired, each stumble can drive a person back into the arms of Jesus rather than in the deceitful hands of the false comforter. A person who walks by grace fully understands the inability to do anything or to move even an inch through self effort. They live, breath and move as a result of connection to Him. Should they stumble or fall at any point, grace is able to pick them up and say “let’s keep going…don’t give up!” That is the heart of God. If people can learn to engage with the language of grace, they will forever be driven to Jesus – and that is by far the best relapse prevention and recovery plan a person can find.

4. Relationship skills and interests must be addressed. A person can’t get sober and maintain toxic relationships that created the atmosphere for drug use. Lines will need to be drawn. Some people will need to be released altogether. Others, such as parents and spouses, perhaps can’t be released, but new skills must be attained. We focus on relationship issues in our program, knowing they drive almost 100% of the addiction issues that led up to using drugs or alcohol in the first place. Learning new relationship skills, identifying potential relationship triggers and seeking God’s heart in walking in relationship as He intended is vital for true sobriety to occur. We recently surveyed all our alumni that had come through program since 2005. Of relapses that were reported, every person that responded indicated that it occurred due to a relationship trigger. That’s enormous! Therefore, sitting around in a class all day and talking about the drug use won’t resolve those issues. A person who wants to be free from substance must also be willing to learn and walk in new relationship styles.

5. Family support and education must be present. Yes, the addict has a problem, there is no question. But the family has been impacted and affected – big time. In our own experience at New Life, we found that families had a resistance to the family education processes. After enduring the pain caused by the addict, getting lectured on “their part” hardly seemed justifiable, and was in fact, insulting in some cases. Obviously, that was far from our intention. But we listened and moved from a workshop setting into an individual process. Instead of mere education, we began letting families share with us what has occurred from their point of view. We began to affirm their injuries and let them know that they need support during this critical transition. But at the same time, we began to introduce solution – to expose unhealthy dynamics and to give them the tools to plan, set boundaries and make good choices.  Instead of being mere victims, they began to discover how they could be empowered. They also learn to understand the addict’s needs as well as their own. The result? A complete and total shift in the relationship between the addict and family member; and a far more stable transition back home.  This caused us to scream the message as loud as we can that including family members in a loving and empathetic way isn’t just wise, it’s vital. Thankfully, there are tools for families to overcome the pain of addiction. Education has a place. Families have a choice in that educational process. But it is our desire to offer the gift of empathy to both sides. It takes time, but when everyone is involved, reconciliation and new beginning is attainable. Watch this short video on the power of empathy. 

If you are faced with treatment needs, remember these five factors. If you have a family in recovery, embrace this as a divine season of change and the potential for something new. If you are feeling defeated by someone’s ongoing relapse, equip yourself, but don’t give up! Education will empower you and recovery will offer you the much-needed support you deserve!  Learn what you can do and where to draw by reading our resource Christian Families in Recovery. Click here to learn more or order a copy today. (Family members in our program receive a free copy!)

Want to learn more? We’d be happy to chat! Call us at 866.543.3361

 

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Intervention: The Help An Addict Needs

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by Stephanie Tucker, MDAAC, M.Min.

As he slammed the door to leave, Ann felt that sick, queasy feeling in her stomach. She knew what was next. She always knew what was next, and the chaos and frustration left her paralyzed. Brad promised to quit time and time again. But his promises meant nothing to her anymore.

Ann tried to hold their life together the best she could. She cared for their two daughters and worked a job to pay the bills. But she knew this couldn’t go on. All her efforts to make Brad quit failed. One part of her had love and compassion for him, she knew some of the things he has been through. On the other hand, Ann felt angry, betrayed and let down by his selfish need to go use drugs.

You may have a “Brad” in your life. He or she may be drinking alcohol excessively, using street or prescription drugs or finding another way to “get high” You may be a parent, a spouse, or a family member that simply can’t grasp how someone can continue down this road of insanity. That’s because the behavior of addiction is what the bible calls a stronghold. In full swing, addictive behavior spins completely out of control. The addict no longer chooses to use, the addict must use because of the physical and emotional dependency – and the spiritual nature of bondage.

There are no words that can describe addiction – it is a personal hell that destroys life and relationships. The addict can behave in ways that are inexcusable, yet, as horrible as it appears, the addict is in a self-destructive crisis that requires authentic love and intervention. If we could look at addictive behavior on a diagram, we would find its roots buried back to much deeper issues. Most addicts have already been vulnerable to addictive behavior long before touching a substance. When they pick up alcohol or drugs, it seems the perfect to deal with life.

What Should I Do as a Family Member?

While understanding the nature of addiction is essential, it’s important to understand how you can intervene. In step one of the twelve- step program we are to “admit we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, a person, etc.) and that our lives have become unmanageable.” Dwell on that for a moment. Does it fit your situation? Are you dealing with an alcoholic or addict and simply don’t know what to do? Do all your efforts to “help” seem to only make things worse? If it feels that way, it’s because in some ways it is true.

A person with addictive behaviors won’t respond to manipulation, rationalization or control. In fact, that only makes matters worse. What will an addict respond to? An addict has to come to that place of defeat, realizing that he or she is powerless over alcohol and drugs and that his or her life has spun out of control. When a person reaches this point, he or she will be ready for help. Normally, a person experiences a desire to change when the painful consequences of the addiction have exceeded any benefits.  Family members easily become consumed by the addict’s behavior. They are often trying to protect, help, change and fix the addict, while at the same time feeling resentful and angry. Their efforts to “help” the addict in fact oftentimes allow the addict to stay in his or her disease. How so? If the family members can prevent the painful consequences from being felt by the addict, the family members also prevent the addict from hitting that “rock bottom” place where he or she will want and desire help.

Some ways family members prevent consequences include:

Continually bailing someone out financially

Providing housing for an adult child that should be self-sufficient ·

Calling the addict in “sick” to an employer ·

Bailing someone out of jail repeatedly ·

Believing lies and manipulations in order to appease the addict ·

Blaming self for the addict’s drinking or using

How Do I Intervene?

Educate yourself about addiction. The more you can educate yourself about addiction and treatment through a Christian perspective the more prepared you will be in understanding your role in the overall addiction cycle. We have a multitude of resources on our website and can offer you additional information if you are interested.

Understand Codependency. Many times, family members take on characteristics known as “codependency.” This behavior, although it appears good on the outside, is just as toxic and dangerous as the substance addiction itself. Visit our codependence blog at www.christiancodependence.wordpress.com.

Learn to Set Boundaries. You will need to learn to set firm boundaries with the addict. This essentially gives you the ability to love the addict, but refuse the negative behavior in your life.When you learn healthy boundaries, you will stop unknowingly enabling the addict in harmful ways. You may need to stop financially supporting an adult child or physically separate from a spouse (we do not encourage this, especially divorce, but in some circumstances, it is necessary).By allowing your child, husband or wife to face up to his her behaviors in church, work and home, there is a chance that he or she will be closer to wanting help.

Schedule an Intervention. Some people choose to coordinate a planned intervention. This can be a great alternative if you see someone sinking into the depths of addiction. The general idea of an intervention is to clearly and lovingly express your intolerance of the addict’s behavior. You also point out the ways in which the addict’s behaviors have hurt you and other family members/friends. Through an intervention, you must remember that the addict has deeper issues that drove him or her to use in the first place. Simply screaming angry, shaming and frustrated words won’t help, it will in fact cause the addict to run. Through an intervention you are essentially saying that you refuse to tolerate the negative effects of addiction, but you are standing by with love and encouragement, understanding the addict truly needs help. This approach should be gentle, yet firm, with clear-cut consequences if the addict refuses to get help. Most interventions offer the addict an opportunity to get detox or treatment immediately, with a pre-planned option in place.

What if The Intervention Doesn’t Work?

Interventions don’t work if they are not properly presented. Family members close to the addict often have a difficult time being objective: they are prone to either overly protect and defend the addict, allow the addict to manipulate and convince them they are “okay”, or are so bitter they are unable to display any grace whatsoever. Using a professional interventionist is an excellent alternative. The professional interventionist truly knows and understands the addict as well as the struggling family members. This interventionist can lead and direct specific projects, statements and tasks required by each family member. The interventionist spends time planning for the intervention prior to actually confronting the addict. Pastors and church leaders might be another excellent resource to call upon. A pastor that works in recovery or has been exposed to addicts and alcoholics would be most qualified.

Interventions don’t work if the addict truly isn’t ready to stop using. Some addicts simply don’t want to quit. If this is the case, then it is time that you show the addict “tough love”. This is where you want to enforce boundaries and stop enabling the addict to continue to use in any way. By making the addiction more “painful”, there is a better chance the addict will finally decide to get help. Remember, controlling someone else’s behavior is impossible. The purpose of setting boundaries is merely to protect yourself and your family members, and to let the addict know that you love him or her too much to participate in his or her choice to consume alcohol or use drugs in any way.

I’ve Been Told I Need Help.

Why? Whether or not your addict gets help and enters treatment, you can learn to cope in healthy ways.  If you struggle with codependency, you will literally need to unlearn some of the ways you have been functioning in that relationship. Seek counseling, a 12-step program (Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery) or find guidance from a recovery pastor who understands addiction and codependency. Seek out books and resources. We recommend you visit our codependence blog at www.christiancodependence.wordpress.com.

But most importantly, seek out God. This is the time to “let go and let God”. In your recognition of the enormity of substance addiction and your inability to change it, you have the opportunity to hand it over to God (Step 3). Your prayers are by far your most powerful weapon. As you depend on the Lord, He may change the addict in your life, but He will definitely change you and grant you the peace and joy of His presence.

For more information on addiction, codependency or for help in planning an intervention, please contact us at 714-841-1906.

Stephanie Tucker is the codependency and family counselor of New Life Spirit Recovery

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Do You Know What It Means to Be Free?

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By Stephanie Tucker

What does it mean to be free on the inside? For some of us, it might seem a strange question. For others, we might understand where we found that freedom. Freedom on the inside occurs when as humans we realize that we fall short and need the resources from God to make our life work. It isn’t just a matter of professing our faith in Jesus Christ, it entails an entire systemic change where we surrender and give God access to every aspect of our life. It means that we are not bound to anything or anyone that would control or prevent us from being all that God intended us to be. When we are free, we are in alignment with our Creator – all thing fall under His authority in our life. When we are not free, however, another force dominates us. We become entangled in things that take us away from God’s true purpose and plan for us.

 The Rule of Freedom versus Domination

To put in perspective, think of freedom in terms of nations. The United States of America is founded above all on freedom. It protects and gives right to individuals, allowing them to make choices within the confines of the laws. This allows people to pursue their interests, to worship in their own churches, to choose their own career and to express their individuality in a variety of ways. These choices may or may not align with God’s truth, but the purpose of freedom is in choice.

On the other hand, nations under dictatorship rule impose standards on their citizens. People living under the authority of that power axle may be told how to dress, who to worship, what to speak, what to read or what property to own. In this environment, individual freedoms are lost, and thus the people are not able to live and express their own choices. That means the people of that nation are enslaved.

The very notion of freedom isn’t political; it’s a system God put in place when He created mankind. God gave Adam and Eve the gift of freedom – this means He didn’t create them to be mere robots that were forced to do His will. With that freedom came choice and responsibility. Why would God do such a thing when He could have prevented them from sinning in the first place?    If God took personal freedom away, He would have been a mere dictator, forcing people and controlling people through domination, not because of the freedom in their hearts.  Being in that position would violate the heart of God – which above all else chooses to respect the human race and enter into relationship with His children on the basis of love.

In our own lives, the struggle to keep our hearts in the position of freedom is always at play. For those of us in recovery, we may have encountered a power that overtook us, such as drugs and alcohol, which removed our ability to make choices. Under its influence, we became bound to compulsively need more, thus we became completely enslaved.

But the loss of freedom comes in many others way, some much more subtle and difficult to recognize. This means we don’t just need to be under the influence of a drug or other form of addiction to be in bondage.

Ways We Aren’t Free

We can be bound in our hearts in a variety of ways. Sometimes, people with addictions get the help they need because their addictions are obvious. But we can be suffering from a loss of freedom inside of our hearts and not even be aware. Here are some examples:

We have a religious mind-set rather than a grace-based mindset – Whenever we begin to live the Christian life based on an external check-list of what we do or don’t do, we are in some form of bondage. Some of the most important freedom we find as Christians is freedom from sin’s condemnation. We realize that God’s gift of freedom and forgiveness is something we can’t purchase. That means there isn’t something we can do or not do to take it away.

For those of us that may not have come into contact yet with the depths of the love of God, we may be accustomed to “working for God” or trying to “win over” His approval or the approval of others. This form of “buying” love or approval stands in direct opposition to the free nature of God’s gifts, gifts He offers us through His grace. Anyone who has this mentality in their life needs a richer, more personal understanding of this grace.

We hold someone else responsible for our feelings or actions – Whenever we find ourselves holding a human being in the position of being in charge of why we feel or act a certain way, we have empowered that person.  In essence, they have a form of “ownership” of our life, whether or not they asked for it. That’s not to say we can’t be influenced by people, but when there is a direct string that attaches us to another person in such a way that we find it difficult to understand we begin and they end, we are in a form of bondage. This is also a symptom of codependency.

When we attempt to control another person – Whether outward and obvious, or subtle and manipulative, when we are engaged in relationships where we are trying to dominate how another person thinks, feels or acts, we’ve taken a position of control that contradicts God’s principles. This can be rather difficult to see, especially if we tend to believe we are truly benefitting the people in our lives who we wish to control, such as an adult child or spouse.

Sometimes, our efforts to control others are methods to manage and deal with our fears and insecurities. We begin to think that if we can control the people in our life, we’ll be able to feel stable. However, this rarely occurs. Trying to control another person only makes matters worse.

Other times, we may have learned to use control as a form of power over others, thus use it to get what we need or desire in relationships. This mindset is similar to a dictator – and clearly is a form of bondage that needs to be dealt with.

We allow our emotions to dictate our reality – For anyone who has struggled with depression or serious anxiety, those symptoms are real. For those who deal with anger and rage, those symptoms are also real. But where we have an emotional issue in our life that is paralyzing us to the point that we can’t overcome it in a healthy way, our hearts are not free. Emotions are indicators of deeper underlining issues. When we can find those root issues and deal with them according to God’s provisions in our lives, the emotional issues might not completely end initially, but we won’t feel as though they have to overpower all aspects of our lives. If we emotional issues that feel out of control, it’s an indication that need to deal with something significant.

We are self-sufficient – In a culture that encourages self-sufficiency and independence, it’s difficult to recognize that it is actually a form of bondage rather than freedom. Our chronic need to manage our own life, fix our own problems and meet our own needs removes the ability of God to provide in our lives. It causes us to depend on ourselves rather than Him, thus leaves us exhausted and unable to overcome the trials of life.

What to Do If My Heart Isn’t Free

If you recognize areas where you don’t have freedom, it simply means that there is a life awaiting you that will allow you to become who God intended you become if you will surrender and trust Him. God doesn’t just come to bring us abundance in the material sense; He comes to bring abundance to our souls – to restore us and position us for the life He designed for us to live. This abundance produces in us His resources – love, peace, grace, kindness, patience, compassion.  It doesn’t take away the challenges of life, however, it just gives us a better way to deal with them.

So how can you get free? It’s important to know that it’s not your own efforts that will get you on track. As we begin to understand that we have bondage in our life, we must also understand that the Only One who can deliver us is our Lord Jesus. It’s easy to profess Jesus Christ with our lips, but we also must give Him access into our hearts. This requires that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, honest and authentic before Him.

Many times we stay in our bondage and adapt our lives around it. While we may not be free, we are scared of what the cost might be if we truly surrendered fully to God. Therefore, we keep hanging on, missing out on God’s authentic purpose for us. In order to move into freedom, we must first understand that God does not force us into relationship with Him, and therefore, will only go to the places where we grant Him permission.

Giving God Access:

The only cure for a lack of freedom in our hearts is through an invitation to our Lord Jesus. We must:

  1. Acknowledge/face the areas of my life where I’m in bondage and bringing it openly before the Lord.
  2. Confess and ask for His forgiveness and grace to cover me
  3. Allow (give permission) to God, through the Holy Spirit, to get into the deep areas of my heart so He can reveal the roots that have driven me into bondage. This may take time, and it may be painful at times.
  4. Continually denounce the things that I hold onto that replace the provisions of God – and continually announce the authority of God to manage my life on my behalf

Prayer of Deliverance

Father God,

I acknowledge that I’ve allowed things into my life that have placed me in bondage. I chose these things to survive, to feel good or to independently manage my life apart from you. I realize that I have been caught in a trap. I can’t get out of it on my own. I don’t even have the capability to understand or know what is happening in my heart. Lord, today, I release these things over to you and surrender my heart and my life to you.  I pray that you would take me out of the trap I climbed into. I give you permission to get on the inside of me and reveal and deal with those things in my life that led me into bondage. I pray to renounce each and every sin, relationship or mentality that stands in contradiction to your truth. I announce that I am a precious child of God, free in Your truth and free to become who you created me to become.  Father, I need your grace because I know that I won’t be zapped overnight. Lead me to the right recovery community or support system so that I can learn to walk out that freedom from here on out.

In Jesus Name,

A-men